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 Post subject: Old Movie Reviews
PostPosted: Mon Dec 11, 2023 12:43 pm 
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Most of you know of my contempt for Wharton Zach, so I'm gonna give him a run for his money with my own reviews that I wrote back in the day. They might not be timely, but if I can get just one person to watch these films and curse W_Z, I will be happy.

Star Wars

This was a real good movie. I saw it over there at Ford City. We walked. We stopped at Walgreen's to get some cheap candy first. I got some JuJu Coins (my dad calls them "Christian Coins") and two two-packs of Gobstoppers. Walking in, I was so scared that they'd see the bulges in my pockets, but thanks to that Polish kid down the block (he's got dibeetes and always eats this weird candy), I was prepared with a lie. I always imagine when I am doing this that I am working for the CIA, trying to destabilize Soviet society by smuggling in heroin. Hats off those those brave men who are fighting for America on this front. Anyway, the guy taking tickets (my dad woulda kicked his ass; you shoulda seen how long this hippie's hair was) didn't even look!

I went with about eight or nine of my brothers and sisters, and we had to sit in different rows. The floor was sticky, like at Comiskey, but I knew I didn't have to move for two hours, so I didn't complain.

Right when the movie started, I dropped one of my packs of Gobstoppers, and this thing rolled like a marble in Mousetrap. I could hear it. I asked some of my brothers and sisters what to do, and they said "shut up," and so eventually I freed my feet from the floor and went to the carpeted walkway. I started peeking under the seats to see the Gobstoppers, and one of the long-haired ushers threatened to kick me out. I was really intimidated--I seriously was, because this was a youngish adult with a lot of power.

But I wanted them Gobstoppers. So I faked like I was walking back to my seat, but as soon as he turned around, I pivoted like Jorge Orta and kept searching. Eventually, I got to the front of the theater and found them! My Gobstoppers had rolled all the way to the front of the theater.

When I got back to my seat, two of my brothers were whispering about how the one guy was a ripoff of Big Foot, who was just on the Six Million Dollar Man. That was a great show. When we got home, my dad wanted to know if this was one of those queerball movies with Afro-Americans in it, but we told him there were none, and he was like, "They can have their own science movies."

We were so tired from walking to and back from Ford City, but my dad ran out of smokes, so I had to walk to the store and get him some. It was really unfair that I got chosen, but I was the youngest. I was trying to stifle the tears on the walk up there, and I cursed my fate because it was summer and I didn't have a long-sleeve shirt to wipe my nose on. But when I got to the store, I was kind of happy because that dollar he gave me was enough for a pack of Winstons and a pack of baseball cards. Guess who I got? Reggie Jackson and Mark Fidrych (the All-Star card)! I worried that my dad would ask for the change--I got two cents back--but then I remembered that I had eleven cents left from Walgreens--and a single (red) Gobstopper to boot!

Moral of the story: Sometimes things work out.

Star Wars: :alien: :alien: :alien: :alien: out of :alien: :alien: :alien: :alien:

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 Post subject: Re: Old Movie Reviews
PostPosted: Mon Dec 11, 2023 1:00 pm 
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fuck, I can't wait for college break to end so we can return to wishing certain people would post more rather than living in the reality of that desire

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 Post subject: Re: Old Movie Reviews
PostPosted: Mon Dec 11, 2023 4:41 pm 
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What the hell


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 Post subject: Re: Old Movie Reviews
PostPosted: Mon Dec 11, 2023 4:42 pm 
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W_Z wrote:
What the hell

:lol:

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 Post subject: Re: Old Movie Reviews
PostPosted: Mon Dec 11, 2023 4:53 pm 
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I like to go to movie theaters for the peewee herman experience. Whats cool is when youre not a celebrity, nobody cares. You can get away with any amount of jerkin off.

Whats weird is if he got caught for whippin it out in a movie theater today he would be more famous.

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 Post subject: Re: Old Movie Reviews
PostPosted: Mon Dec 11, 2023 7:38 pm 
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Douchebag wrote:
W_Z wrote:
What the hell

:lol:

+ :lol:

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 Post subject: Re: Old Movie Reviews
PostPosted: Mon Dec 11, 2023 9:16 pm 
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That's an awesome review. I feel like I have new insight into the movie and a greater appreciation for it. Now do something from the David Lynch catalog.


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 Post subject: Re: Old Movie Reviews
PostPosted: Mon Dec 11, 2023 9:26 pm 
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Tommy should probably be suspended from the board for brand infringement.

I give Tommy's review :puker: :puker: :puker: :puker: out of :puker: :puker: :puker: :puker: :puker:.

Moral of the story: Gobstoppers suck.

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 Post subject: Re: Old Movie Reviews
PostPosted: Mon Dec 11, 2023 9:51 pm 
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W_Z is overrated.

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 Post subject: Re: Old Movie Reviews
PostPosted: Mon Dec 11, 2023 11:11 pm 
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Agreed. Who died and made him Siskel and Ebert?


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 Post subject: Re: Old Movie Reviews
PostPosted: Tue Dec 12, 2023 7:46 am 
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Nardi wrote:
Agreed. Who died and made him Siskel and Ebert?


both of them.


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 Post subject: Re: Old Movie Reviews
PostPosted: Tue Dec 12, 2023 7:51 am 
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W_Z wrote:
Nardi wrote:
Agreed. Who died and made him Siskel and Ebert?


both of them.

4 star post by me.


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 Post subject: Re: Old Movie Reviews
PostPosted: Tue Dec 12, 2023 9:02 am 
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Image

it was a two part episode

I think it ended up being something lame like, Bigfoot was a robot and it was some kind of native (we called them indians back then) conspiracy to keep people out of protected forests.

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 Post subject: Re: Old Movie Reviews
PostPosted: Tue Dec 12, 2023 9:25 am 
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good dolphin wrote:
Image

it was a two part episode

I think it ended up being something lame like, Bigfoot was a robot and it was some kind of native (we called them indians back then) conspiracy to keep people out of protected forests.

That was the television event of the 70s (except for when Evel Knievel was on)

Aliens were involved somehow, too, right?

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 Post subject: Re: Old Movie Reviews
PostPosted: Tue Dec 12, 2023 9:27 am 
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I've read W_Z's reviews on his website (not sure if it is still a thing), and they were really good.

Ebert just sucked. I despised him. Siskel was alright.

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 Post subject: Re: Old Movie Reviews
PostPosted: Tue Dec 12, 2023 9:28 am 
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good dolphin wrote:
fuck, I can't wait for college break to end so we can return to wishing certain people would post more rather than living in the reality of that desire

:lol: :lol: I missed this earlier :lol:

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 Post subject: Re: Old Movie Reviews
PostPosted: Tue Dec 12, 2023 10:03 am 
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My sisternlaw enjoys Tommys work.

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 Post subject: Re: Old Movie Reviews
PostPosted: Tue Dec 12, 2023 11:49 am 
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Tommy would definitely drown her in a bathtub.


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 Post subject: Re: Old Movie Reviews
PostPosted: Tue Dec 12, 2023 11:57 am 
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Image

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Frank Coztansa wrote:
I have MANY years of experience in trying to appreciate steaming piles of dogshit.


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 Post subject: Re: Old Movie Reviews
PostPosted: Tue Dec 12, 2023 2:55 pm 
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IkeSouth wrote:
I like to go to movie theaters for the peewee herman experience. Whats cool is when youre not a celebrity, nobody cares. You can get away with any amount of jerkin off.

Whats weird is if he got caught for whippin it out in a movie theater today he would be more famous.


Image

Image


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 Post subject: Re: Old Movie Reviews
PostPosted: Tue Dec 12, 2023 2:57 pm 
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Image

Image

Image

Image


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 Post subject: Re: Old Movie Reviews
PostPosted: Tue Dec 12, 2023 10:00 pm 
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Following his arrest, Pee-Wee went on to open a dry cleaner. The motto was “drop your pants and jacket off”.

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 Post subject: Re: Old Movie Reviews
PostPosted: Tue Dec 12, 2023 10:06 pm 
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I refuse to believe that he was really arrested by an Officer Tuggle.

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 Post subject: Re: Old Movie Reviews
PostPosted: Tue Dec 12, 2023 10:38 pm 
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Bummer story. But if he had internet porn he probably would never left his house and got famous in the first place. Sad!

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 Post subject: Re: Old Movie Reviews
PostPosted: Wed Dec 13, 2023 1:36 pm 
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What the Christ happened to my thread?

I got a review of The Cat from Outer Space on the back-burner. I'll post it if you cretins keep pissing me off.

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 Post subject: Re: Old Movie Reviews
PostPosted: Wed Dec 13, 2023 2:10 pm 
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speaking of pissing, i had to go 4 times in one hour on sunday. im pretty sure the bartender thought i was old.

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 Post subject: Re: Old Movie Reviews
PostPosted: Wed Dec 13, 2023 6:13 pm 
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Thomas-Sox-WorldSeries wrote:
I've read W_Z's reviews on his website (not sure if it is still a thing), and they were really good.

Ebert just sucked. I despised him. Siskel was alright.


Ebert was bad. He liked a lot of hokey shit. I was always a Siskel guy.


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 Post subject: Re: Old Movie Reviews
PostPosted: Wed Dec 13, 2023 6:51 pm 
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Warren Newson wrote:
Thomas-Sox-WorldSeries wrote:
I've read W_Z's reviews on his website (not sure if it is still a thing), and they were really good.

Ebert just sucked. I despised him. Siskel was alright.


Ebert was bad. He liked a lot of hokey shit. I was always a Siskel guy.

Yeah, but Ebert wrote 1970's Beyond the Valley of the Dolls.

As described on Rotten Tomatoes...
A psychedelic wow that serves up the free love, plunging necklines, androgynous boys, and lusty lezzies of the era with a narcotized abandon.

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 Post subject: Re: Old Movie Reviews
PostPosted: Wed Dec 13, 2023 6:54 pm 
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Regarding Ebert should you all be jawing on about someone dead?


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 Post subject: Re: Old Movie Reviews
PostPosted: Wed Dec 13, 2023 7:16 pm 
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Well maybe he have stuck his chin out more.


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