Most of you know of my contempt for Wharton Zach, so I'm gonna give him a run for his money with my own reviews that I wrote back in the day. They might not be timely, but if I can get just one person to watch these films and curse W_Z, I will be happy.
Star WarsThis was a real good movie. I saw it over there at Ford City. We walked. We stopped at Walgreen's to get some cheap candy first. I got some JuJu Coins (my dad calls them "Christian Coins") and two two-packs of Gobstoppers. Walking in, I was so scared that they'd see the bulges in my pockets, but thanks to that Polish kid down the block (he's got dibeetes and always eats this weird candy), I was prepared with a lie. I always imagine when I am doing this that I am working for the CIA, trying to destabilize Soviet society by smuggling in heroin. Hats off those those brave men who are fighting for America on this front. Anyway, the guy taking tickets (my dad woulda kicked his ass; you shoulda seen how long this hippie's hair was) didn't even look!
I went with about eight or nine of my brothers and sisters, and we had to sit in different rows. The floor was sticky, like at Comiskey, but I knew I didn't have to move for two hours, so I didn't complain.
Right when the movie started, I dropped one of my packs of Gobstoppers, and this thing rolled like a marble in Mousetrap. I could hear it. I asked some of my brothers and sisters what to do, and they said "shut up," and so eventually I freed my feet from the floor and went to the carpeted walkway. I started peeking under the seats to see the Gobstoppers, and one of the long-haired ushers threatened to kick me out. I was really intimidated--I seriously was, because this was a youngish adult with a lot of power.
But I wanted them Gobstoppers. So I faked like I was walking back to my seat, but as soon as he turned around, I pivoted like Jorge Orta and kept searching. Eventually, I got to the front of the theater and found them! My Gobstoppers had rolled all the way to the front of the theater.
When I got back to my seat, two of my brothers were whispering about how the one guy was a ripoff of Big Foot, who was just on the
Six Million Dollar Man. That was a great show. When we got home, my dad wanted to know if this was one of those queerball movies with Afro-Americans in it, but we told him there were none, and he was like, "They can have their own science movies."
We were so tired from walking to and back from Ford City, but my dad ran out of smokes, so I had to walk to the store and get him some. It was really unfair that I got chosen, but I was the youngest. I was trying to stifle the tears on the walk up there, and I cursed my fate because it was summer and I didn't have a long-sleeve shirt to wipe my nose on. But when I got to the store, I was kind of happy because that dollar he gave me was enough for a pack of Winstons and a pack of baseball cards. Guess who I got? Reggie Jackson and Mark Fidrych (the All-Star card)! I worried that my dad would ask for the change--I got two cents back--but then I remembered that I had eleven cents left from Walgreens--and a single (red) Gobstopper to boot!
Moral of the story: Sometimes things work out.
Star Wars:
out of
_________________
Warren Newson wrote:
I like black prostitutes from the 70's
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