Good morning CSFMB! It’s a GLORIOUS Friday morning, crisp and clear, with a 100% chance of douchebags! That’s right, today is the day you’ve been waiting for, if you wait for dumb shit for a year at a time. It’s time for the Douchebag of the Year Finals.
Our 2008 Final winner was none other than Governor Rod R. Blagojevich, for whom this honor is forever named. Rod was recorded in his office by the FBI doing things like selling the Senate seat that Obama held until his election to POTUS. Rod was eventually driven from office kicking and screaming, and then lent his name to the most prestigious award that the Chicago Sports Fan Message Board has to offer.
The 2009 DBOTY winner was Richard Henne, remember that guy? The jerk who built a balloon out of leftover shit from his garage and claimed that his son Falcon was a stowaway aboard the craft as it escaped from his backyard in a staged event designed to bring media attention to the sure-fire reality star’s home. But it didn’t work. Falcon spilled the beans and Heene himself was a terrible actor.
But today is a focus on 2010. It has been a tumultuous year both for the board and for douchebags besides us. While we were getting deleted and banned, douchebags were out there forcing kids into 50 foot lifts in 65MPH winds, while we were bitching about the board, they were assaulting young fans in the bathroom. While we bitched about Bigfan’s Banhammer, they were out there protesting gays at a straight woman’s funeral.
Ladies and gentlemen of the CSFMB, it is your duty to seek out and report douchebaggery. We had nominated hundreds of douchebags over the last year. The best one of each week goes to a Semi Final every 13 weeks. The top 4 winners in each Semi Final come here, to the Finals, where one of them will take home the Glorious
Former Governor Rod R. Blagojevich Douchebag of the Year Award 2010! Today you will be asked to vote for your top three douchebags, and the top vote getter, naturally, will be the winner.
And without further ado, here are the finalists for
Douchebag of the Year!4th Quarter Finalists:Week 45 Winner, Notre Dame: 60 MPH wind gusts and boom lifts don’t mix. Anyone that’s ever painted a house knows damn well that those cherry pickers are fucking terrifying even in good weather. And Norte Dame puts a student into a lift to videotape a practice. Was it really that necessary to record practice that they had to put a student’s life in danger? Apparently so, as they did and now a 20 year old man is dead, which leads to a nomination from
conns7901. So that they could videotape a practice. No jokes here. You know what to do.
Week 52 Winner, Westboro Baptist Church: I think this group has been nominated before but it’s been nominated again by
Ugueth Will Shiv You for their planned protest of Elizabeth Edwards. Why are they protesting? Because god apparently hates gays. And that means that Edwards was killed by God for revenge because a couple dudes got it on. So if you think that protesting gays by making an ass of yourself at the funeral of someone who had nothing to do with gays is douchebagworthy, then vote here!
Week 48 Winner, Matt Spiegel: Meatpants took a bit of a pounding recently over his unusual absences and his seemingly larger dedication to his band than his radio show. Notice I say seemingly. Matt has defended his position from behind his girlfriend, who holds him back from kicking our asses. That’s fine, once the board knew what caused his most recent absence, they backed off and gave him their condolences over his situation. But, as pointed out by rogers
park bryan, Meat took it very personally, lashing out on the radio and “stick it to the CSFMB guys” right off the bat on the show the other day. This show has been accused of thin skinnery over the year or so they’ve been on the air, but this might be the first time that Spiegs was accused himself. Is Meatpants being a douche? Your call
Week 41 Winner, People who Constantly Complain About “The Board”: The Original Kid Cairo fights complaints by… complaining. Yes, the old fight fire with fire routine. He says that if you don’t like the board, change it by posting better. Which is pretty much 100% the opposite of what he did. We here at the DBOTW home office agree that the board has gotten a little ridiculous lately, what with the deletions, the bans, the protests and sit-outs. And complaining is what Americans do best. Are we not free to express displeasure or is it incumbent upon us to change this place for the better according to Cairo’s standards? Your call, Chicago!
3rd Quarter Finalists:Week 30 Winner, BigFan: Yikes. Biggie was nominated by a mult that has since faced the firing squad but was most likely Douchebag for changing his avatar and locking him out of his own account. Bigman has his own side of the story, that someone was trying to send him a message and confused accounts. Does Bigfan’s story hold water? Was
Douchebag out of line? You can only speak with a vote. And of course, replies and also spoken word, but you should vote anyway, because that would be cool.
Week 38 Winner, Keeping Score: Yes, he was douchebagged by
Krazy Ivan on his first official day back on the board after an 18 month hiatus for faking a life threatening condition to cover his other activities. Well, almost his first day back. It turns out he has been among us since at least Christmas. Lurking. Reading. Doing… Stuff that Keeping Score does. KS said he had to do it for reasons cited by Italianfemale. Which is somewhat understandable. But does he deserve to be a douchebag for the dramatic falsehoods he gave us? Your Call Chicago!
Week 29 Winner, LeBron James: HOVA (may he rest in peace) nominated King James for his attention whoring. James had a one hour special dedicated to saying something that his agent should have just released in a press statement. Word is he is just loving the attention he’s getting, and that this whole production has been planned for months. Wait until the accusations come that he wasn’t concentrating on the playoffs because he was planning this douchebaggery. Was LeBron a douchebag over his attention whoring?
Week 27 Winner, CSFMB: Well it’s not like it’s a secret. The board has been running slowly lately, giving plenty of errors and timeouts and file not founds, and this has led to a nomination from
Darkside. While we do not expect 100% uptime, we have learned to live with the 13:00 slowdown, but it’s like it’s 13:00 around the clock lately and it’s been getting… weird. Is the CSFMB giving you timeout hives? Vote here!
2nd Quarter Finalists:Week 14 Winner - Ben Rothelisberger Rapes Again: illili81887 fires at Big Ben for supposedly beating a woman and raping her (again). There’s a lot of smoke, but is there fire? Ben admits he had some contact with her in the bathroom, and since only classy people fuck in bar bathrooms, it’s unlikely that Ben would be the kind of guy to hurt or rape someone right? Does he have a douchebag coming or do you dudes think he was railroaded by someone looking to make a buck? DBOTW HOME OFFICE’S TAKE? Rape’s bad… mmmkay?
Week 26 Winner - North Shore Jerkstore: A rare nomination at a board member that stuck, this one comes from a bragadocious
Darkside. It seems that Ol’ Darko posted a job opening in a way that rubbed NSJ the wrong way, and since NSJ hasn’t been rubbed any way lately, he went after Darkside, claiming that Darkside takes every opportunity he can to brag. This rivalry spiced up a normally boring Monday, spilling into at least three threads and referenced in at least three more. Was Darkside bragging unnecessarily? Was NSJ a bigger than normal douche? Vote! DBOTW HOME OFFICE’S TAKE? Since everyone knows I'm already biased in this matter, I have no problem with saying this dude should get a click!
Week 20 Winner - Judge Thomas Gainer Jr.: This is the judge that threw out DUI evidence against a CPD officer who was accused of killing two people in an alcohol fueled accident. This whole story is strange and so were some of the oddball comments from a certain poster who shall remain nameless.
Walkerman5 put this nomination in to comment on the judge that seems to suffer from a lack of judgement, but it turned into a bit of a us and them kind of thing about the CPD in general. But the question is, is the judge a douchebag for cutting back the evidence to the point where the drunk might walk? You vote! You vote now! DBOTW HOME OFFICE’S TAKE? This guy is a serious contender for the yearly honors, and I think he might be a good shot for the finals too.
Week 23 Winner - Chicago Baseball: RFDC does what he always does. Bitch bitch bitch. But he’s bitching about Chicago Baseball, which has been quite craptastic to date. Well, at least the date of the nomination. Since then the Cubs have picked it up a bit, and Ozzie… is still pretty crazy. So, it’s at least mildly interesting. Everyone knows that Chicago Baseball comes along with pain, misery, suffering, and agony, just like an RFDC post. Are the teams any less douche since we should have come to expect it, or are they just fucking douchebags anyway? Vote. DBOTW HOME OFFICE’S TAKE? Yeah, the baseball in town can’t really be much worse and we’re fighting over a BP cup.
1st Quarter Finalists:Week 1 Winner: HIV Positive Married man injects wife with his blood: Nominated by
Degenerate Dave, this unnamed HIV positive married man from New Zealand injected his wife with his infected blood as she slept so that she would contract the disease, and sleep with him again. This guy is one sick puppy from all accounts and descriptions of the situation, so if you think this doofus has a shot at being the week’s biggest douchebag you just gotta vote for him.
Week 2 Winner: Elmhurst Steve: The Brand may lead the league in overall nominations for Douchebag of the Week. This time, he was nominated by
Jack Bauer for his most recent thoughts on law enforcement, constitutional law, and the harassment of average citizens who are mindful of their constitutional rights. The Brand is a complete and total attention whore, coming here to make an absolute fool of himself regularly simply so he can have some form of attention, so we here at the DBOTW take what he says with a grain of salt as there’s always a strong possibility that Steve says what he does because he enjoys looking like a foolish jackass. But, wouldn’t that make him a douchebag? You got to vote!
Week 7 Winner: McGwire: Tears. Sniffling. Chicken neck.
Brian’s Mojito nominated Big Mac for his lousy performance on the MLB network and for taking a shitload of steroids. I think there might have been a general agreement that he’s lost a great deal of his Q rating lately, but is that enough to call him a douchebag? Does he stand amongst the ranks of Rod and Balloon Boy’s Dad? You must decide, does he advance to the quarterfinals? Vote!
Week 10 Winner: The Original Kid Cairo: Rogers Park Bryan nominated me for some nonsensical reason. Apparently he thinks I tried to circumvent the DOTW’s democratic process by nominating Irish Boy for no reason. Good Dolphin piled on and said my IkeSouth love is unfounded. And Frank Coztansa had the balls to accuse me of multing on this here board. Me? Multing? Whatever man. But, if you think I’m a douchebag, gimme yo votes*.
*post guest Authored by OKC.
Well. There it is. It's all over. I can't tell you how long this whole thing took this year but what a fantastic waste of resources. If my boss ever knew I was doing shit like this I'm sure I'd be canned like a albacore tuna. But what he doesn't know won't kill him.
Thanks for reading and voting and commenting. All the attention made me feel really important and, dare I say, loved? I enjoyed your input, criticisms, unwarranted write in candidates, PM's complaining when your nominations didn't make the cut and all the associated nitwittery that went along with the whole process here.
Best wishes in 2011, douchebags!
-Darkside
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