sjboyd0137 wrote:
Elmhurst Steve wrote:
Again, you speak from a position of ignorance. My Brother had no issues with mental capacity. He went to college for 3 years and was a sharp guy. He just liked getting high/drunk a lot. We did have interventions and he had a few stints in rehab. He was the oldest sibling (by 2 1/2 years) and 32 years old when all this happened. So it wasn't like he was some kid. He had lots of help and opportunities to make positive changes. But he always went back to the poison. After a while, I didn't really even feel like I knew him anymore. the Brother I grew up with was gone and only a shell of a human being was left. Where you get the chicken crap is a mystery. I just said he made what I believe he saw as an easier choice, rather than taking on a long hard road back to a better life. In so doing, he hurt a lot of people who cared about him and tried to help him over and over. As usual, you don't know what you are talking about.
Sorry for your loss.
I too have seen substance abuse in my family, from someone who doesn't want to change, or accept the help they are offered, and spend every day hoping they don't do something to hurt themselves, or anyone else in the house. I will say it has caused a great divide between myself, fiancee, and my family with the person, but it's not like we don't care.
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While you want to help those you care for, you do not want to enable them, as doing so only allows their use/abuse of druge to continue. I did what I (actually the whole family) was told to do. Help but not enable. It was very difficult to tell my Brother he had to leave and after he ended his life, there were questions as to whether I had done the right thing. maybe if I had allowed him one more chance....but after more time passed, I felt certain that wasn't true. It wasn't just that he was using. The way I discovered there were drugs in the house was a tapping on the bedroom window where my Brother was staying in at about 2am. I looked out our bedroom window to see some guy making an exchange. My Brother sold drugs for a couple years mostly to support his own use, so I knew what was taking place. I couldn't risk my home, marriage and the safety and well being of my Daughter, so I did what I had to do. My ex-wife was not crazy about my Brother staying with us, but went along with it, as long as there were the conditions in place (no drug use, no selling of drugs and no drugs in the home EVER) and that he not stay more than 6 months (a reasonable amount of time to get yourself together and find a more permanent place to reside). You may be in a similar situation with your fiancee, where she does not see all the qualities this person might have, because the drug use has left them a shell of the person he/she once was. You hope they will be that person again and want to help them get there. She might not have the same faith and might think that the trouble they cause for you is not worthwhile. That walking away from that person and their problems would be the prudent thing to do. but you know thats not an easy thing to do. Knowing the right thing to do isn't easy and if the person doesn't want to change/take advantage of the help they are offered, the best thing to do (in my opinion) is simply not enable their addictions. I didn't lose my Brother the night he committed suicide really. I lost him years before that, when drugs took over his life.
By the way....he didn't stay on a couch. He had use of an extra bedroom. Again, where RNM came up with him staying on our couch, I have no idea. He had use of a bedroom.