K Effective wrote:
So, which one is Sini?
lol, as i said there's clearly some sort of worldwide conspiracy against me because i'm pretty sure i could mop the floor with these guys. i was so excited for tonight's smackdown! that i forgot to listen.
i showed up to the very first audition in full expos regalia. i was also an hour late. i was pretty cocky in that i tried to be cute and clever with a mocking big radio voice when i did the read at the end of the audition; a waitress chick working the event said that i was far and away the best contestant that night.
i'm guessing that i was probably too "risky" for them. looking back with 20/20 hindsight, i went for the "hey i'm interesting and unique" angle insomuchas i wore my expos gear as i'm an expos fan, and when the question presented to me was "does anyone still care about the cubs?" i ended up telling stories about my family from a very personal perspective. in other words, i didn't really invest a lot of thought into presenting myself in such a way that would try and pander/appeal to the brass over at the score; moreover, i thought that my potential "star quality" would carry the day.
looking at the mugshots (kind of like when you see one of those lottery flatscreens @ your local convenience store and they show all the winners with their tickets: that ish looks like a mugshot!) of these guys, they're all in nice suits and looking VERY salt of the earth and "joe sixpack, chicago bears fan at large!" and like, i don't think i even own a fullblown suit, let alone a $5000 suit. i wasn't exactly invited to bob love's funeral.
you can check out the twitter of the winner @thestevenberger --- i reckon he was clever enough to make this twitter account just for the contest, seeing as it's as drab and dry as any "professional" twitter account i've ever seen. i wonder if there's a secret steven berger "after dark" twitter account where he lets loose and talks shit about the world like he was having a beer with you at the bar.
see, my "business" twitter, @jamesschaefer6, is clearly too risky for the score brass. outside of the semi-perpetual serenade of alexa chung, you're treated to luminary thoughts such as these:
james schaefer @jamesschaefer6
Little kids in the summer smell like an eclectic combination of sunscreen sweat stale urine and sour milk #ourfuture
james schaefer @jamesschaefer6
I like to metaphorically compare twitter 2 wading in a mental septic tank of human discourse * grunts and waits for redeeming splash sound *
james schaefer @jamesschaefer6
Whenever i blow a snotrocket i hope it sizzles a hole in the ground akin to alien blood #bringmehometomeetyourparents
...and those are just from the last ~2-3 days alone!
long story short, i didn't really put on my thinking cap and go about trying to impress the score brass by playing their game. instead i surfed a wave of ego and vanity and said to myself "holy shit i'd be the best damn host on the station" and had this attitude of "you're a goddamn idiot if you don't pick me" and while i didn't technically say or do anything that formally conveyed that message (ok, maybe the expos gear kind of did that) still, that's what i was thinking and i'm thinking in the end the station was looking for a "safe" everyman who can LITERALLY be chicago's "voice of the fan" and if that's what the station is trying to get from this contest, lamentably, i am not that.
i wouldn't merely be awesome on the radio, i'd be admiral james danger awesome sailing the high seas of adventure on the free scotch circuit of internet wii mariokart. i mean, i come up with non-sequitur laden phrases like that throughout my average day much like people come up with gastrointestinal sound effects through theirs. my problem has never been being intelligent or clever, or even being interesting and technically able to astound.... it's been having the discipline to reel in all of these talents of mine and turn them into some sort of a presentable/salable output that would allow me to earn a solid living by plying said wares upon the masses.
i'm a wannabe rapper with communication issues, basically. i'm so damn neurotic and wavering between supreme confidence and sheer and utter self-loathing that people think i'm psycho, and if the score brass actually reads the board, welp, my whole epic alexa chung troll definitely didn't help my cause. forgive me for that one, guys, but when some model chick fucks with you like HEY LITTLE (PEASANT) BOY.... I'M THE FUCKING WOMAN!!! quoteth howard stern "you wanna fuck with me? i can fuck" so i went back full tilt boogie all OMFG YOU'RE THE ONE I'M MADLY IN LOVE WITH YOU I THINK YOU + ME = JESUS CHRIST I'M SO SORRY I DIDN'T SAVE MY VIRGINITY FOR YOU OH MY GOD YOU ARE MY EVERYTHING THEY PROPHESIED OUR LOVE THOUSANDS OF YEARS AGO ONCE YOU TAKE ME INTO YOUR LIFE WE'LL BE THE BIGGEST ROCKSTARS ON EARTH ONLY YOU KALLISTI ONLY YOU CUZ YOU'RE THE MOST BRILLIANT WOMAN ON EARTH YOU'RE THE CUTEST CYBER STALKER EVER OMFG I'M GOING TO GO AROUND THE INTERNET AND FLOOD ALL OF MY COMMUNICATIONS MEDIUMS/OUTPOSTS WITH NOTHING BUT 24/7/365 SERENADING OF YOU CUZ YOU ARE MY SUNSHINE MY OOOONNNLLLYYYY SUNSHINEEEEE!!!!!
and yeah, you saw some of my posts where i took the piss and ran with it like bo jackson in tecmo bowl... panther is alexa chung? lol. it was fun, i proved my point, but in the end if score brass read the board and figured out that i was that excellent audition at the first night of auditioning, they prolly just said "that dude's nuts, there's no way we can fuck with him! on to the next one"
that and all the producers/update-guys over there would hate me cuz if i got a shot at doing a show i'd invariably move up the latter and start taking all of their airtime within 6 months.... they don't want/need someone who'd come in there and school them all, they want someone who's safe and sterile and the literal "voice of the fan" to relate to the everyman..... whereas like, i'm not your average/typical chicago sports fan. i'm an encyclopedia like les, just with a weird wigger complex that compels me to rap and dj and play basketball a lot. people wouldn't be able to relate to me en masse, it'd be a passive/aggressive love/hate thing like les has got going on when people lash out and make fun of the guy because he knows waaaaaayyyyy more about sports than them. it's kind of intimidating, which is something i have yet to learn to cope with in just about every facet of my life. this post is a sterling example of my self-important whinging/bluster.... who cares?
odds are someone who's in the latent sini fan club cared, so hey rock on i do it all for you and instead of working from 3-6am every saturday morning on the score i'll just have to make a few podcasts and youtube videos and show all those score clowns how it's done. can you imagine how good i'd be at life if i actually like, got under control and started putting forth discipline and effort to make something really good? i pretty much don't try at anything, which is why all my rap songs and dj sets are 1/2 assed.... i just kind of fly through and record all my shit in one take and it's on to the next one. that's about to change really soon once i carpe diem and figure out how to make a shit-ton of money in a relatively short time =D
so yeah, tl;dr/off-topic, my bad on the self-important/aggrandizing drivel here, but long story short there's basically a worldwide conspiracy against me to hold me back and keep me insignificant and doubting myself until i break free from my self-imposed shackles of genus homoputzoafus existence and get to showing the world how "it" is done.
LAMBE FENESTRA!!!!!!!!!!!!! (that's bad internet-translated latin for "lick the window")
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Curious Hair wrote:
Les Grobstein's huge hog is proof that God has a sense of humor, isn't it?