[Setting: The Coffee shop]

(Uncle Leo enters, and joins Jerry at his booth)

LEO: Jerry, hello! (Sits down)

JERRY: So, Leo, how's everything? You doin' Okay?

LEO: I still have the ringing in the ears. Sounds like the phone.

JERRY: (Shrugging his problems off) Yeah, yeah. But what about money? Are you strapped? Do you need a little?

LEO: What, are you kidding? I should you loaning you money! (Quickly amending what he just said) But I'm not.

JERRY: (Being frank) Leo, I saw you in Brentano's yesterday.

LEO: Why didn't ya say hello?

JERRY: Because you were too busy stealing a book.

LEO: (Giving a courtesy lesson) You still say hello.

JERRY: (Showing that it's a problem) Leo, I saw you steal.

LEO: Oh, they don't care. We all do it.

JERRY: Who, criminals?

LEO: Senior citizens. No big deal.

JERRY: You could get arrested.

LEO: Arrested? Come on! (Goes into a routine explaination for his stealing) I'm an old man. I'm confused! I thought I paid for it. What's my name? Will you take me

home?

JERRY: (Pleading) Leo..

LEO: Alright, alright. Mr. Goody Two-Shoes. You made your point.

JERRY: (Thinking he's stopped Leo's thefts) Thank you.

LEO: (Yelling out to every one in the coffee shop) Will somebody answer that damn phone?!

(Scene ends)

*****

(George storms out. Jerry is about to follow until he sees Leo stealing another book)

JERRY: (To himself) I don't believe this! (Walks over to a security guard) Excuse me, I wonder if you could do me a favor? My uncle's having a little problem with

shoplifting..

GUARD: Mm-hmm. Where's your uncle?

JERRY: (Pointing) He's over there in the overcoat. If you could just kind of put a scare into him.. You know, set him straight..

GAURD: (Into his walkie-talkie) We have a 51-50 in paperbacks. All units respond.

JERRY: '51-50'? That - that's just a scare, right?

GUARD: Sir, I'm gonna have to ask you to stand out of the way and let us handle this. (The Guard rushes tward Uncle Leo) Swarm! Swarm!

(Suddenly, Leo is surrounded by guards)

LEO: What?! I'm an old man! I'm confused!

GUARD: You're under arrest.

JERRY: (To Guard) I just wanted you to scare him.

LEO: Jerry, you ratted me out?!

JERRY: (Unsure of what to say - he remember's Leo's courtesy tip) Hello?

LEO: Hello.

(Scene ends)

[Setting: Jerry's apartment]

(Jerry is on the phone with his parents)

JERRY: Mom, I didn't rat out Uncle Leo. I just wanted the guard to scare him straight.

HELEN: Jerry, he won't last a day in prison.

JERRY: (Scoffing) Prison. I'm sure it's just a fine.

MORTY: She's got priors.

JERRY: (Not believeing it) Prior convictions? Leo?

HELEN: It was a crime of passion. Leave it alone.

MORTY: Besides, it's not stealing if it's something you need.

JERRY: (Confused) What does that mean?

HELEN: Nobody pays for everyting.

JERRY: (Shocked at his parents) You're stealing too?!

MORTY: Nothing. Batteries. (Jerry scoffs) Well, they wear out so quick.

JERRY: Mom, you too?

HELEN: Sometimes your father forgets, so I have to steal them.

(Kramer and Newman both enter)

JERRY: Alright, I'll talk to you later.

*****

(Uncle Leo is at the front desk in Monks. He's paying for his check)

JERRY: (Getting up) Uncle Leo. Hello!

LEO: (Bitter) Jerry.

JERRY: (Trying to explain) Uncle Leo, I'm sorry. I didn't know about your.. past.

LEO: (Exiting) You mean my crime of passion? If anyone betrays me, I never forget!

JERRY: (Following Leo out the door) Uncle Leo, wait! Hello?!

*****

[Setting: Jerry's bedroom]

(Jerry is tossing and turning in his bed. Voices are going through his head while he's trying to sleep)

HELEN: It was a crime of passion.

LEO: If anyone betrays me, I never forget.

HELEN: He won't last a day in prison.

(Now, Jerry has slipped into a dream. He visualizes Leo in prison *NOTE* The following scene of Leo in jail is a parody of the movie "Cape Fear")

LEO: (Leo has "Jerry" written on the fingers his right hand, and "Hello" written on his left. He's doing pull-ups) Jerry. Hello. Jerry. Hello. Jerry. (Turns to the right,

yelling out) Answer that damn phone!

(Scene cuts to Jerry, who is just now waking up to the phone's ringing. He answers it)

JERRY: Hello?

ELAINE: Hey, it's me.

JERRY: Uncle Leo?

_________________