"Find my car keys and we'll drive out of here"

A Catholic priest was seeking a man to work in the belfry of his church so he posted an ad in the Sunday notices. The only man that applied had no arms. During the interview the priest asked him how he could possibly ring the bell with no arms. The man said, "Take me to the belfry and I will show you." Upon arriving in the bell tower the man ran at the bell rope and range the bell by hitting it with his head. The priest said, "You're hired." Everything went swimmingly for several years until one day the man ran right out the other side of the bell tower and fell to his death. Upon exiting the rectory the priest discovered police and paramedics attending the man's dead body. One officer asked the priest, "Father, do you know this man?" The priest replied, "His face rings a bell."

The priest needed to find another man for the bell-ringing job and so he was drafting a new ad for the Sunday notices when he was interrupted by a knock on his door. "Come in." A man entered and explained that he was the brother of the previous bell-ringer and that ringing the bell was his dead brother's life's work and he would like to continue that family tradition. After expressing his condolences the priest hired the man. He saw that, unlike his brother, this man had both arms and the priest thought that a positive. As it turns out he was the best bell-ringer the parish had ever had. That is, until one day he slipped and fell from the tower. Just like years earlier, the priest was approached by a policeman as he left the rectory. "Father, do you know this man?" "Ah, yes, he's a dead ringer for his brother."

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Anybody here seen my old friend Bobby?
Can you tell me where he's gone?
I thought I saw him walkin' up to The Hill
With Elon, Tulsi, and Don

JORR choked under the joke pressure

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"He is a loathsome, offensive brute
--yet I can't look away."

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so the bartender says, no I wanted a little pianist

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O judgment! Thou art fled to brutish beasts,
And men have lost their reason.

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Mr. Bean told the joke better

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O judgment! Thou art fled to brutish beasts,
And men have lost their reason.

For their anniversary weekend, a loving wife decides she wants to do something amazing for her husband. On her way home from work, she stops at a sex shop to find the perfect gift.

Wife: Its our anniversary this weekend and I want to buy something very special. I want to find him the best gift possible.
Owner: Sure, I have something that he will love. This frog gives the best blowjobs of all time.

The owner goes to the back and brings out the frog in a wrapped box. When the wife gets home, she cooks up a fancy meal and sets the table up with the gift box. At dinner, she tells her husband that she got him a special gift that he should open up in his room. After her husband goes upstairs, she waits for him. 10 minutes pass by. 20 minutes pass by. An hour passes by. Finally, the wife heads upstairs. When she opens the door, her husband is sitting on the floor with the frog and a cookbook.

Wife: What the hell are you doing?
Husband: If I can teach this frog to cook, I won't need you anymore.

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Usually a Coke and two Hershey bars.

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favrefan said:"Chris Coghlan isn't gonna pay your rent, Jimmy."

That's my favorite joke to just drag out for minutes and minutes on end.

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Power is always in the hands of the masses of men. What oppresses the masses is their own ignorance, their own short-sighted selfishness.
- Henry George

Everyone can see the punchline coming but it still cracks up anyone who has heard it.

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favrefan said:"Chris Coghlan isn't gonna pay your rent, Jimmy."

I once dragged out the setup to "you should've seen her box" for like six, seven minutes. Companion was not amused.

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There's a good diabetic twist you can play on that too.

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"All crowds boycotting football games shouldn't care who sings or takes a knee because they aren't watching." - Nas

Wrecked him? Damn near killed him!

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...those aren't buoys.

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Good people drink good beer - Hunter S. Thompson

<º)))><

Waiting for the time when I can finally say
That this has all been wonderful, but now I'm on my way

A family walks into a talent agency. It's a father, mother, son, daughter and dog. The father says to the talent agent, "We have a really amazing act. You should represent us."

The agent says, "Sorry, I don't represent family acts. They're a little too cute."

The mother says, "Sir, if you just see our act, we know you would want to represent us."

The agent says, "OK. OK. I'll take a look.".....

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This is my signature...

And the patriarch of that family was Billy Ray Cyrus. And now you know the rest of the story.



Good Day.

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