This sounds like a selection from a Laurence Holmes monologue about his halcyon days as a DB at Homewood-Flossmoor.

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The Bulls haven't done anything wrong, and they're not going to do anything wrong.

Can't believe no one pointed this comment out. Now that's damned funny.

It's sort of like telling people you've never had a beer and then they start offering you a beer because they want to be the one who gave your first beer. I think it's better for these athletes not to advertise about their abstinence. That way if the athlete pulls a Dwight Howard he doesn't look like a liar. There are plenty of women who are already throwing themselves at professional athletes, so it's better not to encourage the more wholesome groupies.

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To the Jews who had believed him, Jesus said, “If you hold to my teaching, you are really my disciples. Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”