I'm bracing myself to hear this goddamn small talk bullshit question countless times as my wife drags me to party after party throughout the holiday season. Who cares? If you're gonna talk about what you do, it better be something real fucking interesting like an astronaut, a professional big game hunter, or a light bulb salesman. I think I'm just going to answer, "I'm a middleman" without any further elaboration. Don't ask me that shit. Ask me what I love. I'll talk all day. I'll wax poetic about the Raspberries' "Go All The Way", the great pacer, Riyadh, the 1988 March of Dimes Trot at Garden State Park, the career of Henry Armstrong, Perry Ellis suits, the motherfuckin' White Sox, E-Class Benzes, and working class Catholic girls from Chicago. Don't ask me what the fuck I do.

_________________
Anybody here seen my old friend Bobby?
Can you tell me where he's gone?
I thought I saw him walkin' up to The Hill
With Elon, Tulsi, and Don

i thought your name was Joe?

_________________

good dolphin thinks that too.

_________________
Anybody here seen my old friend Bobby?
Can you tell me where he's gone?
I thought I saw him walkin' up to The Hill
With Elon, Tulsi, and Don

_________________

Tell them that you are a drug mule, and when the conversation gets boring, ask where the bathroom is. Tell them you have to pass a heroin filled condom. Most likely, they will have no desire to talk to you after that.

_________________
Good people drink good beer - Hunter S. Thompson

<º)))><

Waiting for the time when I can finally say
That this has all been wonderful, but now I'm on my way

It's Rod.

_________________
Good people drink good beer - Hunter S. Thompson

<º)))><

Waiting for the time when I can finally say
That this has all been wonderful, but now I'm on my way

My name is George. I'm unemployed, and I live with my parents.

_________________

Chicken salad isn't the opposite of tuna. Salmon is, because the salmon swim against the stream, and the tuna swim with it.

_________________
Good people drink good beer - Hunter S. Thompson

<º)))><

Waiting for the time when I can finally say
That this has all been wonderful, but now I'm on my way

It's not about handling it with aplomb. It's a bullshit question. Nobody really cares. Maybe I'll just say I'm a lawyer. Or a used car salesman.

_________________
Anybody here seen my old friend Bobby?
Can you tell me where he's gone?
I thought I saw him walkin' up to The Hill
With Elon, Tulsi, and Don

Right on, JORR.

So who are you really douchebagging? Yourself for not answering the questions? The people who probably wouldn't/don't like you but are in the same boat as you so they have to make idle small talk? Your wife for bringing you to these shindigs?

_________________

This I find hard to believe.

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You do not talk to me like that! I work too hard to deal with this stuff! I work too hard! I'm an important member of the CSFMB! I drive a Dodge Stratus!

The question itself. We can do better. I had a great time getting lit up at the McNuggets afterparty and Furious Styles, Zach, Sini, and I never once discussed our jobs. For all I know, those guys are all contract killers.

_________________
Anybody here seen my old friend Bobby?
Can you tell me where he's gone?
I thought I saw him walkin' up to The Hill
With Elon, Tulsi, and Don

_________________
Anybody here seen my old friend Bobby?
Can you tell me where he's gone?
I thought I saw him walkin' up to The Hill
With Elon, Tulsi, and Don

JORR usually has an advance team and/or henchmen in place to insulate him from the more banal questions.

_________________
Sex isn't dirty, sex isn't a crime. It's a loving act between two or more consenting adults.

-Hank Kingsley

Sure you can do better, but its a generally a safe conversation starter. Kind of like talking about the weather.

"oh you're in X industry? Do you know Sam Jones?"
"Oh yeah, I talk to him all the time" etc etc
And the conversation goes from there until the wives are gone and you're drunk and with the other guy who doesn't want to be there and you start mentally undressing the other female partygoers.

You can't go from "Hi, I'm Joe Orr" to, "check out the red dress over there, she's got one hellava rack huh" in 10 seconds.

_________________

It is a bullshit question, but many people really care. It's a common way that men judge each other.

_________________

It's not that. I just don't find professional talk very interesting. It's usually pretty mundane.

I don't think I have anything on the North Shore. One in Rogers Park this week and then one in Boystown next week.

_________________
Anybody here seen my old friend Bobby?
Can you tell me where he's gone?
I thought I saw him walkin' up to The Hill
With Elon, Tulsi, and Don

My wife often gets frustrated with me and has asked me on many occasions, "Why can't you ever just talk about the weather?"

I have a difficult time feigning interest. And the last thing I want to be is to bore someone else. We don't have to talk about tits, let's just start somewhere besides the office. I was at a party not long ago with a trust fund guy who is a lawyer representing some al Qaida guys. That was somewhat interesting.

_________________
Anybody here seen my old friend Bobby?
Can you tell me where he's gone?
I thought I saw him walkin' up to The Hill
With Elon, Tulsi, and Don

Tell them your name is Art Vandelay, and you are an architect.

_________________
Good people drink good beer - Hunter S. Thompson

<º)))><

Waiting for the time when I can finally say
That this has all been wonderful, but now I'm on my way

Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iN9Y6gunB3A

_________________
Good people drink good beer - Hunter S. Thompson

<º)))><

Waiting for the time when I can finally say
That this has all been wonderful, but now I'm on my way

Tell them you are an exotic dancer and ask if they'd like to see you perform.

Lots of reasons people ask this question. Some good, some not.

I guess you're kind of hitting what I don't like about the question. It's most often asked not out of sincere interest, but rather as a way of sizing one up.

_________________
Anybody here seen my old friend Bobby?
Can you tell me where he's gone?
I thought I saw him walkin' up to The Hill
With Elon, Tulsi, and Don

What if someone says yes?

_________________
Anybody here seen my old friend Bobby?
Can you tell me where he's gone?
I thought I saw him walkin' up to The Hill
With Elon, Tulsi, and Don

I'd advise you to try "importer." Deny that you are an exporter if they ask.

Actually, I introduce myself at an event like that as, "Hi, I'm Steve Sarley. My friends call me "Sparky."
When they call me Steve, I stop them and correct them.
It cracks me up and totally pisses my wife off.

_________________
Host of the weekly "We Fish ASA" podcast
Weekly columnist for the Northwest Herald
Bi-monthly columnist for Illinois Outdoor News magazine
Former host of The Outdoors Experience on WIND and The Great Outdoors on CLTV
http://www.wefishasa.com

So, Sparky, what do you import?

_________________
Good people drink good beer - Hunter S. Thompson

<º)))><

Waiting for the time when I can finally say
That this has all been wonderful, but now I'm on my way

Tell your wife it's her fault that you had no choice.

_________________

I'm going to introduce myself as Dale Bowman.

_________________
Anybody here seen my old friend Bobby?
Can you tell me where he's gone?
I thought I saw him walkin' up to The Hill
With Elon, Tulsi, and Don

Go with the truth- devils advocate

_________________
Hawaii (fuck) You

So fucking true .

_________________
Proud member of the white guy grievance committee

It aint the six minutes. Its what happens in those six minutes.