7. Apple fanboys

YOU: (logs onto tech message board) Hi, I'm having a bit of trouble with my Windows 7 PC. It starts off very fast but then, a few minutes after I boot it up, it begins slowing down considerably. I've tried rebooting and emptying my web cache and running Disk Defragmenter and creating a partition for my D: drive so that it acts as an independent hard drive and I've tried resetting the TCP/IP address and rebooting the computer in Safe Mode to run Malware bytes and then emptied out the recycling bin AND my download folder, which actually had some stuff I wanted to keep but was taking up a lot of room. So far, nothing has worked. Does anyone have any ideas?

APPLE FANBOY: Yeah, buy a Mac. (walks away from computer blowing off finger guns)

12. Car enthusiasts

Oh, you don't like cars? Hmm. (Subtext: You're a pussy. You're not a man. What kind of man doesn't like cars? They're big and fast and look at this calendar I have of Carmen Electra humping a Porsche! What kind of man doesn't like to spend his Sunday lying on a dolly, working on the ol' Camaro? What kind of car do you drive? I bet you drive a Honda. That's a perfect pussy car. Automatic transmission, right? PUSSY. Pay to get your oil changed? PUSSY. The fuck happened to this country? Men in this country used to enjoy getting their hands dirty.)

11. Chicagoans

Listen, Chicago, it's not our fault that you built a gorgeous city with pristine architecture and friendly people and fun bars and amazing restaurants in the coldest, windiest goddamn spot in the Union. I walked five blocks in Chicago last spring and nearly got blown into space. So don't go trying to override that fatal flaw by being as defensive and territorial as humanly possible when people bitch about your town. And don't try to convince me that your pizza is good because you've been trying to make this argument for YEARS and no one gives a shit. No one is gonna give you the satisfaction of winning that battle because thin-crust pizza tastes really good and doesn't make me feel like I just swallowed a bear.

I rarely troll.

10. Libertarians

Take a 9/11 truther. Now apply that kind of paranoia to every aspect of your political leanings. The nice thing about libertarians is that they can take radically liberal AND radically conservative defensive stances. They're not puppets of big business the way these politicians are, mannnnn. Then again ... if a CEO wants to pay his workers five cents an hour and have them whipped with rattan canes, THAT'S WHAT FREEDOM IS ALL ABOUT.

15. Sabermetricians

If you dare to bring up the idea that Alex Rodriguez wasn't exactly a fantastic postseason performer, you will immediately be bukkake'd with stats involving base-out states regressed to reflect underlying platoon splits and their correlation to franchise value appreciation that you don't understand and which contradict everything you said. Were you even aware that the postseason is too small a sample size? Everyone knows that now. You probably didn't even GET that Moneyball isn't really about statistics at all, but about arbitrage and undervalued assets. Do you read at all? Can you read? What's it like to go through life as someone who hates learning?

You will also be accused of not believing in evolution. MIKE TROUT IS A GOD.

10. Beer snobs

It takes a lot of skill to turn a subject everyone likes (beer) into something utterly insufferable, and yet here we have it. You don't even have to be knowledgeable about beer at all to become a defensive asshole of a beer snob. When Will Gordon ranked Yuengling low on his list of cheap beers here at Deadspin, I raged like someone just falsely accused my best friend of arson. Tell a beer snob you like (insert random normal beer here) and you will immediately be accused of being halfway to Guy Fieri. Did you really not mention anything from Rogue brewery in your top five list? Why are you even drinking beer at all? That beer you like is water/piss/wine cooler/cider/gay.

And don't try to convince me that your pizza is good because you've been trying to make this argument for YEARS and no one gives a shit. No one is gonna give you the satisfaction of winning that battle because thin-crust pizza tastes really good and doesn't make me feel like I just swallowed a bear.

The future holds the possibility to be great or terrible, and since it has not yet occurred it remains simultaneously both.

14. Penn State fans

You were all part of witch hunt to bring down JoePa and tarnish the name of a treasured college football institution! You just couldn't stand that one program out there could win with honor and so you and the media vultures decided to tear it all down and rip a community apart. I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY. You killed JoePa! Asshole.

16. Redskins name-change people

It's 2014, man! (repeats that phrase 9,000 times to you)

1. Christian Conservatives

Constantly under siege. You people don't know oppression until you're the member of the ruling majority and have permanent gerrymandered footholds in a majority of states. THE GAYS WON'T STOP PUSHING THEIR GAY AGENDA DOWN MY THROAT! They're opening my mouth and putting their gay penis in there and ejaculating hot talking points right down into my belly! The town hall won't put on a Nativity display because atheists are assholes! Hollywood is run by Jews! Radical Islamists are coming to bomb me ... sometime!

And of course the worst part is that, as a historically dominant segment of society, you're not allowed to complain. Talk about anti-Christian discrimination and you just get laughed at. But it's real! Why are you laughing? STOP LAUGHING. THIS IS IMPORTANT.

3. Gun nuts

Out of all the deranged fanbases on this list, it is gun nuts who have their coordinated response down cold. When threatened, they buy all the guns, store all the guns, prepare to USE all the guns, and then threaten you online with said guns. Gun owners are peaceful law-abiding citizens. Now come try to take my gun and I'll shoot you in the fucking face. LAWS BE DAMNED.

2. Anti-vaccination nuts

You let a doctor vaccinate your child? Why not feed the kid a bucket full of autism and cut out the middleman? Didn't you see Dallas Buyers Club? Let's undo years and years of meticulous scientific research and historic medical breakthroughs made by Jonas Salk because the lady from Singled Out said so. Makes perfect sense.

(By the way, I think it's perfectly natural to regard both doctors and pharmaceutical companies with a healthy amount of skepticism. But there's a clear difference between skepticism and an irresponsible disregard for preventive care. Not that these nutjobs see it. I get all my medical advice from People magazine.)