Friends...internet cretins...haters...do you hear that?




The sound of...a guy sitting home all day while he describes to you the press conferences of various prestigious game companies like Microsoft, EA, Sony...




...umm, no?




...and Ubisoft! Of course...how could I forget them? With their wonderful laser tag, that dude from The Soup, and Shawn White stoned to the point that he thought he actually was in a video game...

Anyhow, I've decided to dip into my already depleted vacation pool at work in order to help you, the masses, get the latest info from the E3 press conferences, as it drops. Because, just like Microsoft E3 2013, I'm all about the gamers...






So join me Monday June 9th at 11:30AM CDT, as I present to you E3 as only a guy who would actually take vacation to sit at home and watch video game press conferences can.

Oh, as for Nintendo on Tuesday...well...if you guys can't come to LA for a proper press conference, I can't be bothered. Maybe see you next year?

Evolve and Final Fantasy XV

Nothing else matters.

edit: Except Witcher 3

_________________
Rick Hahn is the best GM in baseball.

Hello friends.

Are you ready?

If you can get near a TV, Spike will be showing the Microsoft and EA press conferences...all four of today's conferences can be streamed at multiple online locations, including Gametrailers.com

Before the conferences start, I'm already seeing some buzz that Titanfall 2 will be an Xbox One/PS4 title...good on the Respawn Guys getting their franchise in as many hands as possible.

About time for Microsoft...hopefully they throw some red meat to the "core" that is SO. VERY. IMPORTANT.

And we're off!

This show is already better than last year's because it opens with Phil Spencer instead of Don Mattrick...I have no desire to punch this guy in the face.

I like this stage setup...he's down on the floor right up in the crowd's face...and he's talking about GAMES.

Talking about how the two consoles launching in the last year are good for everyone. Gonna see a lot of ass kissing to the core today I think.

ENTIRE BRIEFING DEDICATED TO GAMES! (Core, Core, Core)

First we are seeing titles coming in 2014...then some titles later in the future...also teases at some "Old Favorites" returning.

Opening up with Call of Duty: Advanced Warfare...and of course, Xbox will get all DLC first (because exclusives are great...sigh).

Graphics look pretty nice...I literally have no idea what just happened in the game but it looked good.

Futuristic weapons...drones...ugh...I miss Modern Warfare...

Pretty sure they just crossed a street named Gangnam

So far this is horribly underwhelming...a whole lot of nothing happening...but hey, walking tanks and guys in exosuits and shit!

They have drones doing the sentinel Matrix Revolutions thing...

"In the interest of time..." E3 tired cliche is tired and cliche.

This AI looks horrrrible.

And now he's firing a laser? And throwing grenades that hover? Advanced Warfare is advanced.

Dude trying to plant a bomb in a plane got his arm stuck and had to stay with the bomb...oh the feels!

I have absolutely no desire to play this after seeing that.

Now it's time for Dan Greenwalt from Turn10 studios...Forza time...

Nurburgring coming to Forza 5...today...and it's free! (ok...)

Now to see the next Forza...Forza Horizon 2. Open world driving...1080p gets a round of applause. Your Forza 5 drive-atar is already driving in Forza Horizon 2

Coming September 30th.

Focusing on the weather...and "seamless" multiplayer...200 cars (that seems horribly underwhelming to say the least)

I dunno...chalk me up as meh.

Now it's Evolve time!!!

Pretty sure I just read exclusive beta and DLC on the screen...that's a get.

I sincerely hope this is gameplay footage, because this looks beautifully chaotic.

Beta this fall.

Now time for Ubisoft...Assassin's Creed, Unity...I've been living under a rock, apparently...France, huh? I dig it.

4 player coop over Xbox Live? Intrigued...

...aaand they just started a riot!

So wall climbing...assassinating people...so far the game is what I expect but I haven't seen a focus on button mashing combat with a dozen people, so that's a plus.

And there is is...four screen button mashing combat...which is how pretty much every mission in Assassin's Creed ever has turned out...

Heads on pikes! People in the crowd dig it...ok...

Now a little montage of developers talking about their first games...doesn't really shed any news, but a nice little touch to break between games...

Now it's time for Dragon Age 3 from Bioware? "Premier content on Xbox" whatever that means.

Coming October 7...I guess it's Inquisition and not 3...sue me.

Looked pretty good..now it's time for...a shooter...except it's not...it's Sunset Overdrive...which clearly isn't taking itself seriously at all (good potential there).

Oh I love Insomniac! Ted Price on stage now!!!

Traversing in this game reminds me a lot of Infamous...riding around on any rails/lines you can find, bouncing off stuff...that's never a bad thing...

...crazy enemies and crazy weapons too...this game loos insane in all the greatest ways possible...and the crowd seems to agree.

8 player multiplayer...it's a coop mode (holy shit 8 player coop?!?!)...coming October 28th!

Notice the trend? Getting dates for everything...this year.

Speaking of not taking itself too seriously, now it's Dead Rising time...a Dead Rising 3 arcade adventure...ok...I can't repeat the name...it's entirely too fucking long...and it's available now!

Now it's Harmonix Time...Dance Central for Xbox One? Nope...Disney Fantasia: Music Evolved

October 21st.

Oh...nevermind...there is a Dance Central coming in September...digital only title...

Fable Legends time...I miss Peter Molyneux's absurd promises at moments like these.

"Multiplayer beta coming this fall"...huh...so not gonna be 2014?

Someone can play as the villian...think overhead view setting up enemies/traps/etc...if this is a Smartglass thing I'd be stoked...

No date announced...first game so far that wasn't dated.

I liked Forza Horizon more than the other ones. Not going to buy an xbone or anything for it, but that's cool.

Project Spark...I played around with this on PC but haven't got any time on Xbox One yet...think a really ambitious Little Big Planet minus Sackboy.

Apparenlty they already have a million people who've made content for the game...

...and now Conker is coming to Project Spark...so, fans of that...have fun...

...now showing something...different...big dude throwing a little white thing around in the air like he's really please with it..and the little white thing is rreally bad ass

Ori and the Blind Forest...Fall 2014...I literally have no idea.

Yeah, it's not 3, pal.

Looks like you aren't so perfect after all.

I HEAR MONKS!!! HALO?!?!?!

Keith David Narrating I think...this cutsene looks absolutely fucking gorgeous...

Please explain what I just saw Bonnie Ross...I'm so confused...

Retelling his entire tale...November 11th...Halo: The Master Chief Collection.

YES!!!!! The rumors are true. Halo: CE, Halo 2, Halo 3 and Halo 4...TAKE ALL MY MONEY!!!

A single interface for all four games...custom playlists combining moments from all four games...Halo 2 getting the full "anniversary" treatment...just like Halo: CE...and it's going to have the original Halo 2 multiplayer (SOI SOI SOI)

Oh memories...I can't wait to get my hand on this. Over 100 multiplayer maps...4000 gamerscore

Halo Nightfall included...live action series produced by Ridley Scott...

...this December...Halo 5: Guardians beta...

Now Phil Spencer is back.

Time for 2015 and beyond...first up is "Inside"...reminds me of limbo...for good reason...

Guy who heads up ID@XBOX on the stage now...indie games, indie games, indie games...

I love you too.

Now some person in a couch session..."World Premiere"...Rise of the Tomb Raider...holiday 2015...looks quite lovely

Witcher 3 time...they are tracking a Griffin...I've never played this series but it looks like something I could dig.

This is like Cabela's dangerous hunts on crack...I love it.

Ken Lobb!!! KLOBB!!!

Phantom Dust...forgive me for having absolutely no idea what that is.

Time for Tom Clancy's The Division...NYC is all fucked up...some crazy gameplay mechanics going on here...a corpse on the ground and someone spray painted "sleeping on the job" next to it.

Never bring a shovel to a gunfight, apparently.

New content first on Xbox One...coming 2015.

Now Platinumgames...a new title exclusive to Xbox One...Scalebound...a dude fighting monsters that are fighting other monsters...and I hate him already...

Crackdown is coming back!

Now Phil is back on the stage.

And that's it for Microsoft...nicely done folks!

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Summing up Microsoft:

Objective Grade: B

Games, games and games...it was the E3 presser we were promised last year but got bogged down with non gaming stuff...and the vast majority of it were games that we will be able to play this coming holiday...granted, I liked a lot of that non gaming stuff they talked about last year, but hey, if catering to the core will move more consoles, I'm all for it. Only reason I give them a B and not an A is this seemed pretty safe...a few surprises but they weren't megatons (think Final Fantasy, Halo 3 reveal, etc)...otherwise a lot of titles that we knew were coming but hadn't gotten a real good look at yet.

Oh, and seriously...that Halo collection...I can't wait to get my hands on that...but I would have liked something more about Halo 5 other than a pre-rendered video about the multiplayer beta...

Less than 15 minutes until the EA Press Conference...get hyped!

EA time!

Opening with Star Wars: Battlefront...some "early in game footage" but nothing playable...but hey, it's Star Wars...

Now it's Andrew Wilson time. Whoever he is, I think I want to punch him in the face.

Dragon Age Inquisition...again...and then two (2) ((II)) more projects from Bioware!!!

Live on stage cello playing for the win! This game looks pretty good.

That Dragon gameplay...two different ways to play the game...action or tactical. I hope this is as good as it looks.

MASS EFFECT!

To everyone who didn't start cheering when that music started playing, turn your Mass Effect fanboy card in.

And they are working on a new IP...ok.

Now it's SIMS time...oh fuck me...

I used to play the shit out of The Sims, but I just had an epiphany...it's basically the video game version of Keeping Up With The Kardashians/The Real Housewives of...

So I don't think I can play this anymore.

Now it's UFC time. And Bruce Lee is in the game?!?!

NHL time...guy is rocking a Hartford Whalers shirt ...talking about emotion, toughness, energy...Bernstein would fucking loathe this.

It does look very very good though...we've come a long way from the Sega/Nintendo days...