Not just for the Bears, but for Señor Columnist, too. Observe:
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It turns out that not playing football is indeed the best thing for the Bears, because any lukewarm attempt to do so is a convincing argument for regime change. Swiftly.
Try to fit that adverb into the preceding sentence. "Swiftly regime change" was the best I could come up with.
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To say the Bears quit in a 55-14 loss to the Packers on Sunday night that dropped them to 3-6 would be unfair, because it would assume that anything was ever even begun at Lambeau Field.
"It would assume" is kind of a weird construction, but he goes right ahead and tops himself with "was ever even begun."
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Trestman’s spinelessness and circle-talking prattle, general manager Phil Emery’s manufactured arguments
Aren't all arguments manufactured? Where would one find organic arguments?
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in support of bad players who he thinks are good, Jay Cutler’s inherent blithe indifference and Brandon Marshall’s over-romanticized pathological narcissism have conspired to bring them here.
Word soup, comin' through!
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There’s nothing for Trestman to say, now.
(unnecessary comma)
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Any previous buy-in from any hopeful player in that locker room has been sold short, cashed out at a loss.
"I'm having trouble deciding between two phrasings of the same hackneyed image. Hey, wait a minute, I can just use both!"
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Not one word from him can stop that at this point, nor can one from any other Bear
what is this i cant even
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Professional football teams aren’t allowed to perform so unsatisfactorily without some kind of response beyond the plaintive wails and acid invective of insulted fans.
Plaintive wails! Acid invective! Writering!
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Trestman’s vaunted “toolbox of concepts” is empty. Even in the mythical Pandora’s Box,
oh for fuck's sake
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after the release of all its similarly hideous contents upon the world
Similarly hideous to what? The concepts from the toolbox? This is so hamfisted.
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The contemplation of longer-term ramification of such abject failure is so much more than sobering, especially when any look at the Bears’ current reality demands first the consumption of some strong stuff.
"Thinking about the Bears' future is sobering, especially since thinking about their present drives one to drink." -what this sentence actually says, minus the SAT words
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it starts with a cold look at who is under contract and what voices may need to be heard to get the best out of some sunk commitments.
Sometimes I think Dan isn't writing a column so much as he's playing a private game called "How Many Dependent Clauses Can I Cram Into Each Sentence?"
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But these coaches, at least and in this moment, have been reduced to useless ciphers.
Department of Redundancy Dept.
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This group won’t be here when and if the Bears ever pull out of their unconscionable tailspin
How can a tailspin be unconscionable?
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If this isn’t enough, what does enough look like?
Marc Trestman should be going into the “Bye.”
This is something Mitch Albom would write.
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