holy shit, i pop open this morning's trib sports section and it's pretty freaking amazing what i'm seeing. let me give you a page by page rundown:

COVER PAGE: Quite possibly the gayest picture of Kris "Babe" Bryant that i've ever seen holding a cubs WWE title belt with the world series trophy semi-blurred in the foreground. "This has exceeded our wildest dreams" --- yeah wait til we get inside.

PAGE 2: top half of the page is split into 2 parts: half hawks vs stars tonight half KC johnson on bulls/knicks last night with box score. bottom half of the page is a giant ad for YOUR OFFICIALLY-LICENSED VICTORY CAROUSEL (THAT SALUTES THE 2016 WORLD SERIES CHAMPIONS! --- that's right, for "five convenient installments" of $39.99 each (a total of $199.95 plus $24.99 shipping and "service") you can have a "detailed stadium sculpture that lights up, this heirloom-quality limited edition (of 10800) features a victory parade circling the ballpark to the melody of take me out to the ballgame.

basically, it's just a little portmanteau of the world series trophy with wrigley field at the base with the gold flags arching over it with some bullshit parade that goes around it.... and hey, lord knows if dad fucked you in the will then you can still make it big with this HEIRLOOM-QUALITY $225 carousel!

PAGE 3: ok, well evidently the top half of this page is the proper KC johnson story on the knicks vs bulls thing. the bottom half of the page is for your CHICAGO CUBS LIMITED EDITION (of 10000) COMMEMORATIVE GLOVE (A Great Catch for CUBS(TM) Fans!) this one is a 10" tall bronze glove with a picture of the victory celebration in the webbing, some crap on the glove fingers, a mock cubs WS champions ball in there, and is yours for four easy installments of $24.99 (aka just $99.96 + $14.99 for shipping and "service") and "Just mail the pre-order application today, before the edition sells out!

PAGE 4: top half is your college football viewers guide. bottom half = 2016 WORLD SERIES CHAMPIONS(TM) CHICAGO CUBS(TM) COMMEMORATIVE WATCH. rah rah rah blah blah blah only the back of this LIMITED EDITION (only 2016!) cubs watch is inscribed with some "world series champions 216" thing and its case/box has stuff, and it's "An exceptional value at $249*, you can pay for it in six convenient monthly installments of $41.50" plus $15.00 hipping and service and of course allow 8-10 *weeks* after initial payment for delivery.

PAGE 5: top half is another college football viewers guide (this time with a teddy greenstein quick hit mini-column and little writeups on the local games) but you know all the action is on the bottom half of the page, where we have a 2016 WORLD CHAMPION CHICAGO CUBS LIMITED-EDITION COMMEMORATIVE TROPHY! only 10,000 of these babies worldwide (and first reservations will receive the highly-coveted lowest edition numbers! seriously, if your dying father tried giving you #9000+ you'd probably smash the thing in front of him like IT'S OVER 9000!!!!!!!!! and your dad would look at you like he's seriously glad he's dying) rah rah rah blah blah blah just $99.96 / four installments of $24.99 ($14.99 shipping and services charge) and it's around this time that i'm realizing that pretty much all these ads are from some place called "The Bradford Exchange Collectibles... IN NILES![/b] --- seriously, you could drive over to them and likely save $15-25 and 8-10 weeks of your life but hey that doesn't include the mysterious "services" charges so onwards we roll!

PAGES 6+7: i got nothing here, this is the "centerfold" of this "party of the century" tribune sports saturday (nevermind i'm pretty sure "the party of the century" was in 2014, right? am i getting that wrong? i remember modifying some logo with a turd in it for a party of the century a year or two ago) and rah rah rah blah blah blah nice pics and the 5million parahoax myth is perpetuated and onwards we roll.

PAGE 8: CHAMPION-CHA-CHING! in the upper left corner GovMint.Com has finally broken through Bradford Exchange hegemony by getting a little 1/4 page ad in there for a $39.95 (plus s/h) $1 silver Cubs World Series Champions Uncirculated $1 Eagle Coin. Bottom half of the page = Bradford Exchange is back, this time with a "GO CUBS(TM)! WORLD SERIES CHAMPIONS BRACELET!" it's a bracelet with little alternating things on it that go from cubs logos to blue stones to a heart with a cubs logo to a little pennant to another blue stone to another heart saying CHICAGO CUBS FAN to another cubs logo to a stone to a world series champs logo and you prolly get the idea (gotta get something tangible for the wimmenfolk here!) "a remarkable value at $119*, payable in 4 monthly installments of $29.75 each (plus $9.98 shipping and service allow 4-6 weeks after initial payment for delivery) and no limited edition numbers here, but it's a "limited time offer" cuz you know "save the search for individual charms, and the cost! we've put together the perfect way to show your Cubs(TM) pride!" --- oh and i'd be remiss if i didnt point out that the remaining 1/4 of the page is about how the cubs winning the world series got good TV ratings.

PAGE 9: top half = preps plus football so rah rah rah / blah blah blah. bottom half = THE WORLD'S FIRST BASEBALL-SHAPED COIN!!!!! limited to only 4999 worldwide, this actual 33mm diameter baseball shaped coin (that i'm pretty sure says SAMOA 2017 on it, yeap indeed i look over at selling points and it boasts "The Coat of Arms of the Independent State of Samoa" so you know HEY LEGAL TENDER! HEY PRE-ORDER NOW AT $149.00 + 9.00 SHIPPING AND SERVICES AND THIS BAD BOY WILL SHIP TO YOU ON MARCH 31, 2017 (GOOD TO KNOW!) --- and yes, this one is the bradford exchange MINT, not to be confused with those collectibles at 9345 milwaukee in niles (as the MINT is 9307 milwaukee in niles. duh!)

PAGE 10: wow, some asshole takes up the upper left 1/4 of the page with some ad for WINDOWS like "it's getting cold out, warm up your new home" ??? don't these assholes know that the cubs just won the world series and there's HEIRLOOM-QUALITY LIMITED EDITION!!!! stuff being sold here? anyways preps plus takes up the other 1/4 before the bottom 1/2 of the page features your 2016 WORLD CHAMPIONS EXPRESS (TRAIN)!!!! that's right, the bradford exchange HAWTHORNE VILLAGE DIVISION (9210 N. maryland st in niles) has come up with a train + 47"x38" track loop + controller to hopefully get you hooked into the world of model trains for only three easy installments of $26.66! that's right, the last cubbie swag ad in the trib doesn't give the full cost of the train like all the other stuff does, it only says 3 installments of $26.66 + $9.99 shipping and service. anyone see what my crazy ass sees here? you know, like the original price of the apple I computer (let alone their fabulous logo)?! awww hell who gives a fuck at this point, i'd be amazed if anyone is still reading this and if you are well hey then i hope you enjoy that i wrote this big long stupid thing for *YOU* you big long stupid thing you! =D

yeah rah rah rah page 11 = "the agate" page or whatever you call the scoreboard + TV schedule page (along with NFL bits) page 12 = something about a new zealand rugby exhibition, NASCAR, and the breeders cups offset by death notices on the right half of the page, then page 13 is all death notices and business & service directory (totally unrelated, of course) and the back page is, of course, the weather page talking about this remarkable run of 60something-70 degree early november weather (take it!)

but hey, in the immortal words of dan bernstein that's how you MONETIZE EVERYTHING, eh? sorry to TLDR here but seeing all this just blew my mind and i had to share! hasta and happy buying!

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