Buck F. -- Sesame Place Waterpark in Langhorne, PA:

I came to Philadelphia because I met a young woman on Twitter who lives there. What I didn't know is, she has a daughter. I don't remember the kid's age, but she was around 38 inches tall, so however old kids are when they're that heighth. I lied to my wife and told her I had a sick relative in Pennsylvania so I had an excuse to fly to Philadelphia without her getting suspicious. Don't get judgemental on me, ok? You don't know anything about me or my wife, so don't even go there. I'll do things my way, and you do things your way and let's leave it at that.

I was not disappointed when I met Susan (not her real name). She looked just as good in person as she does in her photos online and the (more risqué) photos she emailed to me as well. A lot of times you meet these women online and they turn out to be real whales when you meet them in person. Listen, if you're a whale, I don't have anything against you for that, just make sure the photos you post online and email to me clearly show that you are a whale, so I don't feel tricked when I finally meet you.

Susan was not a whale, but she has this kid which really put a damper on the whole trip. I guess she was supposed to have a sitter so we could get a hotel room and go to town on each other, but the sitter got stabbed or something crazy like that. I wasn't really paying attention because I was disappointed and kind of angry.

Either way, we wound up going to Sesame Place because we had to do something with her kid. I gotta say, the kid liked the place - it's perfect for kids that are 32 - 48 inches tall. That seemed to be the average heighth of the kids there (about waist-high). It's all Sesame Street stuff there, so kids like it. Susan's kid got all bent out of shape because I thought Grover was the Cookie Monster, or the other way around. Who cares? But she caused a big stink over it. I'll be honest, I didn't like this kid. She honestly kind of sucks, but she had fun at this place. All the kids love it. They really go nuts for a real fruity puppet named Elmo.

I recommend this place 100% if you have young kids. I don't recommend flying across the country to visit a single mother you want to hook up with and have a crazy time in a hotel with. We hooked up a couple times but we had to be all sneaky & quiet in her crummy apartment so the lousy kid didn't hear us. When I got back home, my wife asked how my relative was and I was like "things are touch and go" or something like that. Just wanted to give her the hint that I didn't want to talk about it so she would just leave me alone.

I got in trouble for leaving (what I thought were) funny (and sometimes fake) reviews. They took a bunch down but, oddly enough, didn't take a few down that were for little restaurants in obscure towns across the country that I'd never been to. In one, I wrote a sort of ballad about how the short-order cook was bisexual, and about a year later, someone messaged me on Yelp and said, "Well, I guess everyone knows now."

The only Yelp review I ever wrote was taken down a couple days after posting it. It was for Another Round in Downers Grove 5 years ago. The manager told me I had to leave after I tried ordering a beer for the 2nd time (first from the waitress at our table and then walking up to a bartender at the bar). Apparently, no one working there had seen an Arizona license before. Nobody believed the expiration date. I was pissed and wrote some nasty things.