Good Day. Today, it is with a heavy heart that I announce my retirement from Hoops. I know this may surprise a lot of people, and it may sound selfish, but after thinking about it I decided I wanted to go out on top of my game. I will have a lot of great memories of playing this sport, especially my first game. I wont lie, I was nervous when I first signed up, but to be able to prove to all my critics who didnt believe I could do it... well, thats a lot of where my drive came from. It was great to see all those minutes of practice out there in the cold November days up in Crystal Lake not go to waste. I proved that even though most people think of you as that retarded kid who looks a lot like Kyle Orton, you can make it if you really put your mind to it.

Im gonna try not to get emotional. I want to first thank God. He gave me the talents to be able to catch those errant passes from Kid Cairo and Krazy Ivan. He gave me the drive to be able to undress W_Z like a $2 hooker. I thank Him for everything I have. I would like to thank my wife. She has been there for me when I was doubting my basketball skills. She was the rock I could lean on here in the physical world. Finally, I would like to thank my parents. Without them, I wouldnt be here today.

I will say, never is usually never never. So, Im not saying, Im just saying... the door may be open for another Hoops. But right now? I just dont know. Peace out!

[The floor is now open for questions]

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Mr. Hoffy! Mr. Hoffy!

Killer V, from the Hiawatha Press Gazette...

Based on your ball-handling skills, did you have any trouble holding onto your press release while transporting it to the fax machine?

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Again, I would like to thank you all for coming out here today. The love and support has really been something I will never forget. To address this issue in particular. I had been playing through a serious injury most of my career that has had some impact on my abilities. But the overall package more then covers my short comings. Next question?

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Mr Hoffy Mr Hoffy!

Did you ever feel at any point in time that the game passed you by or rather people passed right by you?

Thank you for the question. I guess there are a lot of different ways that you can look at it. It was a struggle almost game to game, but in the end, the team that scored the most points usually wins. I think thats what is so wonderful about our sport. I can remember back a long time back to the first game, we were still really feeling each other out. But by the last game, we were really just feeling each other up. Again, it was a pleasure to play with such great talents. Were there difficult times? Sure, I wont lie. It was a struggle game by game, basket by basket.

Are there any more questions?

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Mr Hoffy! As a follow up, you mentioned being felt up. Is there anyone in particular you enjoyed being felt up by?

Michelle Tafoya has a question but she's waiting for Mike Tirico to tell her what it will be.

Mr. Hoffy! Mr. Hoffy!

Numerous sources are reporting that your decision to retire is NOT in fact based on wanting to go out on top, but a precursor to a move to the CSFMB hockey league. Is there any truth to those rumors?

I was always more of a situational player. I found playing hard inside the paint would usually give me the best pleasure. I found mostly that the key is always your positioning. You dont want to be in there too hard, otherwise your just gonna lose it quickly. But if you arent grinding in there at least a little bit, youll never get anywhere.

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Thanks for the question. With the successes of my good friend Michael Jordan as a two sport athlete, I would not rule anything out. I find anything that involves putting balls into a hole would probably work for me.

Any other questions?

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Mr. Hoffy, Mr. Hoffy......

If possible can you expound on this qoute
"I find anything that involves putting balls into a hole would probably work for me."

Are you truly good at putting balls of any size into hole's of various sizes? And what type of balls are we talking about here?

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I decline to answer that. No more questions for this evening.

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Wait! Wait! Mr. Hoffy! Mr. Hoffy!

Ryno's Wife, from Suburban DuPage Woman...

Can you tell our readers who the sweatiest player was?

The hairiest?

The smelliest?

The whiniest?

Thank you for your consideration.

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Seriously?

Allright, I guess I can answer one more, but then I have to go. A lot of important things to do and all. I aspire someday to hold office. Im thinking of starting as a Senator. President-elect Obama has really inspired me. I figure if he can win the presidency with little experience and a little socialism, I can do just about anything, right? But to best answer your question, I would need to really reach deep down to find the answer. Again, I thank you all for your support and wish nothing but the best for the future of Hoops.

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Mr. Hoffy, Mr. Hoffy!

Any truth to the rumor that when you come back, you'll be wearing no. 45?

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Ба́бушка гада́ла, да на́двое сказа́ла—то ли до́ждик, то ли снег, то ли бу́дет, то ли нет.

I'd like to add on to this question - will you wear pants?

let's hope he does

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it's probably all the same guy...

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Ба́бушка гада́ла, да на́двое сказа́ла—то ли до́ждик, то ли снег, то ли бу́дет, то ли нет.