Yeah that's right. I know there's a "thread" dedicated to this movie already, but come on. It's amateur hour. Tall Midget came close, but seriously...who's the king? Right?

So let me take you into the executive's room when this movie was being pitched back in the...oh, I think, early 80's.

George Lucas: You know what's cool guys?

Executives: What, George? After all, you seem to have a good gauge on it.

George Lucas: The 50's.

Executives: That's true, very good, what else?

George Lucas: Aliens.

Executives: Yes, yes, very true very true. After all it's the 80's!

George Lucas: And Indiana Jones.

Executives: Yes indeed! Yes, Indiana Jones has definitely been cool! So what about all of that?

George Lucas: That's the next Indiana movie, guys. Indiana Jones and the Alien Skulls from MARS!

silence...

Steven Spielberg: Uh...George? You can think that shit, but you can't write it.

Twenty-odd years later...

George Lucas, playing with the idea of inventing a Star Wars trilogy prequel based on the life of Uncle Owen...

Steven Spielberg: George! Do you remember Indiana Jones?

George Lucas: Indiana Jones...are we talking prequel trilogy? I was just thinking of one--

Steven Spielberg: NO do you have any ideas for an Indiana Jones picture? I just saw Harrison Ford work out? He can still bench like a 30 year old. Do you have any ideas?

George Lucas: Well...I do have that one...about the...alien skulls, but you--

Steven Spielberg: Brilliant! I love it!

And thus is born...INDIANA JONES AND THE KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULLS!

Everybody knows, of course, about the Crystal Skulls. If you don't, you must be some kind of idiot. George Lucas does not just make stuff up out of thin air. This is a guy who was able to look deep into the future, and tell us that politics and religion WILL eventually mix, but you will have to either choose the dark side, or the light side, of the force. Yes, he gave us that. And now, he's telling YOU and your MOTHER and your FATHER and all your FRIENDS that there are these things...CALLED CRYSTAL SKULLS, and they are in South America. It's a meme, you ignoramuses!

Now let's take you into the story itself. Oh,

SPOILER ALERT



















There, now we can proceed. So we meet up with Indiana after he's had all these other seemingly great adventures that we'll never know about because they decided to take us 20 years past the Last Crusade and now two of the most interesting characters in the franchise are DEAD...and let's face it, the Indiana Jones franchise was just BUILDING to this crescendo of CRYSTAL SKULLS, which as we all know, are more interesting and more legendary than the...what is it...the Ark of the somebody and the Holy Grill. Or whatever...and Indiana no longer has to face Nazis. Whew. Now he has to face...COMMUNISTS. And because of the country we live in, you know, back in the 50's...the FBI went America all over everybody's asses and took names...and they're taking Indy's name too. He doesn't get a pass. But Indiana gets the jump on these guys, and teams up with Marlon Bran--no, no, I'm sorry, "Mud" Williams, whose name belongs more to a blues/jazz musician in the 30's rather than a cool ass biker in the 50's. His name should have been "Grease" Williams...cos Grease is the word.

They are on a collision course with fun god damn adventure, folks. Because you know why? Because...there are these CRYSTAL SKULLS, the most sought after things in the entire universe in the entire history of human kind...and they can--are you ready? They can READ PEOPLE'S MINDS! But you knew that already. Come on. Everybody knows about these things. Just like, you know, everybody loved the Gungans, right George?

But it can't all be fun and games, there has to be a scene or two in which Indy is using his professor's knowledge and boast about how many languages he knows in order to find these artifacts. Right? Well, not in this case...not really. It's more like...he has to solve a riddle...using some kind of symbol puzzle that you can usually find on a diner table top opposite the kid's menu accompanied by a handful of crayons. That is about the extent of the use of intelligence in this film because this is more about rip roaring adventure than boring school stuff. Indiana seems to be more of a man of action in his 60's than he was in his 40's or late 30's. But. The. Chicks. Still. Dig. Him.

Trust me there is some fun...and I mean that. There is nothing like a movie that uses its action sequences like some kind of roller coaster, in which it's as exhilarating as it is contrived--and the water fall sequences are just the tip of the iceberg. Screenwriter David Koepp on writing the absolutely most unbelievable, incredible action sequences that no one could possibly survive:

"Hey. They shot it, right?"

Thanks, David. You know, I'm glad to know you're still stealing franchises and turning them into shit. I wonder if you've ever lost sleep on how much money you've stolen...

Oh well, back to the movie. Where was I? You know, I'm sure the actors asked that question a lot when making this film...no one really seemed to look like they were having too much fun, except for Karen Allen who was probably just glad to have a role in a major motion picture again. You couldn't wipe the smile off her face, even when her and Indy were bickering like an old married couple. Oh, that was a treat...that was fun!

And...George Lucas can't seem to get away from family triangles because...MUD, I AM YOUR FATHER!! Yes, Indy now has a SON! And it's Shia LeBeouf! Don't you see the resemblance?

Oh and while we're at it, why don't we throw John Hurt into this movie? Just make him an incoherent, raving lunatic for most of the picture. He's used to those kind of roles anyway, and most people recognize him as such, yeah...

So, man this is a long review right? I hope I haven't lost Frank C's interest at this point--but I think after "Forgetting Sarah Marshall", he probably won't even bother with this.

And speaking of not bothering with things, they may as well have not bothered this franchise for a fourth movie. Not if this is what you're going to do with it. I mean, do you take the Whopper and add avocado? Do you take "War and Peace" and add another chapter? There are some things that can be left alone, George Lucas. I know you have difficulty with that notion. And Spielberg, I'm looking right at you buddy...

But I guess they felt the need to do this...you know why? You know what was lacking in the other films that this movie just absolutely had to tackle?

Cute furry little animals. How could they MISS that for so long? Sure you had the monkey in "Raiders of the Lost Ark". But now you have groundhogs and LOTS of cute monkeys and what not. Thanks Spielberg. I didn't know being hit over the head so hard with cuteness could be such bliss.

Oh and this isn't just about Close Encounters with the Third Kind, this is also "Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Marriage Counselors". Yes...indeed. Indiana gets married! Yay! Thank GOD, right? Now he can finally settle down--or better yet, share his adventures with Marion! Although, I would have to say--Marion...bad choice to marry Indiana. You do realize now that your name is shared with one of the most notorious performance enhancing drug abusers of all time?

Speaking of which, this movie could have used a few performance enhancers. Even Harrison Ford looked rusty as an ACTOR. Your best line was "I like Ike"? Well I guess that was the fault of the writer...this movie made me wish the strike was still on...okay that's a bit harsh.

I didn't hate this movie...I thought it was fun at times and stupid from beginning to end. But not hate...I can't hate anything Lucas and Spielberg do anymore because...they've completely drained me of emotion.

So no emoticons this review...I think I'll be able to get my emotions back when I go see "The Dark Knight"...but "The Strangers" looks promising.

Oh, and Cate Blanchett--your overacting is calling...and I hope you don't answer it ever again...

I think I felt the same way about the film as you did Zach, you're just a better writer. I think it's time for Lucas & Spielberg to either pass the torch (like JB says to DIO) or create another franchise type movie. I'm a little nervous about what Lucas is going to give us with the 3D Clone Wars series and live action series coming up.

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+1 Zach, well written.


of

So, nobody here wants an "American Grafitti" sequal?

Personally, I'm wating for the Willow sequel, all my questions will be answered.


I thought the Indy movie was a bad episode of the x-files...with archeologists!

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That's what the first seven minutes or so was of Indy 4. It had nothing to do with anything in the movie. It was the classic 50's "race each other" scene.

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You hit this movie spot on W__Z. I found myself nostalgic in parts, which was a nice thing, but it couldn't overcome a bad script. I didn't care about the son, I didn't care about the skulls, I didn't care about the Communists... make me care about something George and Steven! (besides the Indiana Jones Happy meal of course)

Where's the 'number of stars' WZ?

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The name's Rockmore. Beef Rockmore

this movie was a waste of stars...

Horrible movie. Awful. I would have walked out of the theater. Bad Bad Bad. Gah!

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I went expecting an "Indiana Jones" movie and ended up with "Contact".

Awful.

This movie was like a scrotum sandwich. It was not good. Script, acting, CGI, and plot were all bad. I give them no points and may god have mercy on their souls.

Don't talk bad about food, or Reason will get you!

I watched this blockbuster last night with the family unit.

Three words for you:

THIS MOVIE SUCKETH.

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The name's Rockmore. Beef Rockmore

I saw this last night too.
Let me preface this by saying that I am 31 and Raiders of the Lost Ark was my favorite movie my whole life. I know, I have terrible taste but it was a great movie, classic action flick, snakes, dudes getting torn apart by airplane props, Nazi face melting, submarine infiltration, and macho lines ("You want to talk to God? Let's go see him together, I've got nothing better to do").
Now we got fucking George of the Jungle, goofball groundhogs, Marlon Brando, a female matrix version of a Soviet Bond, exploding swarming ants, and last but not least a goddamn alien invasion. AND a marriange. Christ, a marriage!
It is horrible what they did with this movie. I mean, I know believeabliity isn't overly important ("INDY cover your HEART") and of course the aforementioned Nazi face melting, but Transformer boy swinging thru the jungle? Psychic inanimate objects? UFO's!!!!????
No way. I will pretend that this didn't happen. This movie doesn't exist. I will try to work this whole denial thing and see how far I can ride it.

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Sorry to resurrect a thread but I finally watched this last weekend and I have to say I found it entertaining for the first 75 minutes or so and just got wierded out by the end (and knew what was coming). Good enough to watch once, but you won't catch me watching it again.

What movie would that be?

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Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull or whatever it was called.

Yeah but Darkside, what did you think about the part when he survived a direct nuclear blast by hiding in a refrigerator?

I have the same bad taste as you apparently, because Raiders is also one of my all time favorites.

There was so much wrong with this movie, but part of me still wants to see it again. I guess it's the kid in me. I think I was trying to ignore some of the ridiculous scenes and just enjoy the ride. The only thing I couldn't get over was the waterfall scene. COME ON!!! No scratches at all. Mr. Spielbergo should've taken another look at this sequence and cut it.

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This movie does not exist.

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"Play until it hurts, then play until it hurts to not play."
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Never read this review 'cause I hadn't seen the movie yet. Now that I've seen this craptaculous masterpiece, I wish I would have taken a peak at the thread first. What a horrible waste of time this was. Did they run out of interesting artifacts to look for. Alien skulls? Everyone knows the power they hold. RIGHT!?!?! I don't even want to even get into the rest of this horrible mess. I too am trying to forget that this ever happened.

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But the plaque on the fridge said "Lead Lined" which would only be used in Nuclear medicine as a storage place for readopharmaceuticals. Which wouldn't likely be in a blast zone. In the 50's.

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"Play until it hurts, then play until it hurts to not play."
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This is pretty funny.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N2Lzcgovu-4

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That's good

Just finished watching it. Didn't read this thread until now.

I tried to like it. I really did. It just sucked. W_Z summed it up perfectly.

They made Indy into a sap. I know he's old but he should always be cool. He should never be with any women over 40. He should never go back to one of his old broads. He shouldn't have a kid. He should never get married. The plot sucked. Too many cheasy lines. Harrison Ford forgot how to be Indy. He captured it at times but he lost it during the movie as well. He really half-assed this one.

Remember Raiders of the Lost Arc? They made it kind of serious. Not cheasy one liners. A few are OK but Speilberg made this into a cartoon. I know you have to suspend disbeleif but this shit? No.

I did like one line from Indy..."I knew a lot of Marys kid."

It's clear that Spielberg has intentions of giving this franchise over to Indy's kid. You can tell by the ending. Maybe he can make that cool.

Bumpage

http://movies.yahoo.com/news/usmovies.a ... nes-sequel


Shia LaBeouf told the Los Angeles Times that he shares some of the blame for the failures of "Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull" - but he is also pointing the finger at the monkeys he was forced to swing through the jungle with.

"I feel like I dropped the ball on the legacy that people loved and cherished," Shia told the Los Angeles Times' 24 Frames blog when asked about the fourth "Indiana Jones" movie while in Cannes over the weekend. "You get to monkey-swinging and things like that and you can blame it on the writer and you can blame it on [director] Steven [Spielberg]," he continued. "But the actor's job is to make it come alive and make it work, and I couldn't do it. So that's my fault. Simple."

The actor went on to emphasize that he believes that modern audiences are hard to fool.

According to the Los Angeles Times, Shia is not the only "Indiana Jones" star who was less-than satisfied with the movie.

"We [Harrison Ford and Shia] had major discussions. He wasn't happy with it either," he also told the Los Angeles Times, referring to the movie the movie that grossed over $786 million worldwide. "Look, the movie could have been updated. There was a reason it wasn't universally accepted... I'll probably get a call. But he needs to hear this. I love him. I love Steven."

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