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Seeing as THE WARRIORS isn't in your brackets, your Movie Madness lacks something called 'credibility'. Here's how Maxim ranked 'em:
1. Slap Shot (1977)
Why is this the ultimate Guy Movie? Because Paul Newman and the rest of the Charleston Chiefs live the life every real guy dreams of: They drink beer, get laid, play sports, gamble, watch TV, avoid relationships, and successfully put off adulthood. And at the end of the film, their immaturity is rewarded with a Main Street parade in their honor! Slap Shot's got it all: sports, humor, male bonding, violence, more sports, plus some not-strictly-necessary-to-the-plot naked females. What's not to love?
2. The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly (1966)
Doodle-oodle-oo...wanh wanh wanh. Doodle-oodle-oo...wanh wanh wanh. It was the most memorable theme tune in Guy Movie history (until the theme from The Godfather), and it carried Clint Eastwood ("the good," more or less), Eli Wallach ("the bad"), and Lee Van Cleef ("the ugly") across a dusty, Civil War-torn America in search of buried gold. The best of the spaghetti westerns from Italian director Sergio Leone, this classic is not a buddy film. These guys would just as soon kill each other as share a drink, and the hero, Clint's cigar-smokin', poncho-wearin', bandito-splatterin' "Man With No Name" is the ultimate loner. Who needs buddies when you're packing heat?
3. National Lampoon's Animal House (1978)
"My advice to you is to start drinking heavily." The boys from the Delta House are immature, irresponsible, disrespectful, and not all that bright; in short, the perfect heroes for a Guy Movie. They know how to party, anyway, and the worse things get (pledge-party mishaps, double-secret probation, flunking out and getting their chapter thrown off campus), the better the parties get. And why shouldn't they: After all, was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? Behind the antics of John Belushi, who shines as the colorful miscreant and future U.S. senator John "Bluto" Blutarsky, this is cheerful viewing for anyone who ever threw seven years of college down the drain.
4. The Terminator/Terminator 2: Judgment Day (1984; 1991)
"I'll be back." Breathtaking special effects. Shotguns. Motorcycles. An orgy of relentless robotic power. Plus: A buff, largely bra-free Linda Hamilton! If it ain't here, you don't need it. Arnold Schwarze-negger, a wooden actor but a meaty presence, peaks as the Terminator, an unflinching killing machine that can absorb bullets like so many mosquito bites. Bonus: As the cyborg with exactly one facial expression, Arnie turns a so-called male liability--our limited emotional range--into a virtue!
5. Die Hard (1988)
"Yippee-ki-yay, motherf----r!" One look at terrorist Hans Gruber's smarmy European grin and you instinctively want to kick his ass. And that's precisely what a barefoot, wisecracking Bruce Willis does for two hours: he kicks Gruber's (actually Alan Rickman's) ass all over a 40-story building, beating the standard impossible odds with his usual pluck and determination. The twist? Willis feels pain, and lots of it, which is a nice shot of reality. For instance, in the bathroom, he's plucking glass shards out of his mangled feet, and for a minute you almost think he's going to shed a...nah, just kidding.
6. Stripes (1983)
"Chicks dig me because I rarely wear underwear..." Sure, this is just a remake of Abbott and Costello's Buck Privates. But Bill Murray, the crowned prince of smart-asses, was at the peak of his game, and when he was there, no one in Hollywood could touch him. In Murray's army, discipline is comfortably lax, R&R means mudwrestling, MPs are gorgeous and randy, and even the common Winnebago is reconfigured as a fully loaded tactical urban assault vehicle. A hilarious send-up of all things military.
7. Caddyshack (1980)
"You'll get nothing and like it." Bill Murray, country-club groundskeeper, swatting the heads off innocent carnations. Chevy Chase, hapless swinger, reinventing the tequila shot. Rodney Dangerfield, entertaining loudmouth, working straight man Ted Knight into a frenzy. Lacey Underall (some actress named Cindy Morgan), not trying very hard at all to keep a bra on her body. This was a movie about golf?
8. GoodFellas (1990)
Ain't life in the Mafia grand? Loads of cash, drugs, free time, and mistresses. Someone mouths off, you kill him. Even a stint in prison seems more like guy's weekend than a punishment. Joe Pesci is priceless as Tommy DeVito, a cold-blooded killer who makes Fred Krueger look like Fred Rogers. One unforgettable scene: A cocaine freak-out that makes you want to throw up--in a good way, that is.
9. Dirty Harry (1971)
"This is a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world, and would blow your head clean off..." Only a drooling, jibbering, complete and utter genius would dream of f-----g with Harry Callahan, the original lawless cop. Movies like The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly had already secured Clint Eastwood's guy movie credentials; this role made him a legend. Highlights: The scene where the bad guy hires a lug to smash in his face so Callahan will be blamed. The gunpoint showdown in which our man makes a poor dirtbag guess whether there's another bullet in the chamber or not...and the reprise at the end. The torture scene on the football field, where Callahan stands on a bad guy's wounded leg until he gets what he's after. You actually feel sorry for any criminal with the dumb luck to get in the way of cinema's most relentlessly bad-assed motherfucker.
10. The Godfather/The Godfather: Part II (1972; 1974)
"It means Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes." In the Corleone world, the men rule the families. There's plenty of dough to throw around; everybody's got nice suits and classy black cars. The womenfolk make big Italian meals. Letting aggravation explode into violence is accepted, even encouraged.
11. Pulp Fiction (1994)
"Zed's dead, baby." Black humor, heady violence, and inspired casting make this one for the ages. But it almost gets ugly again and again. Just when you're about to witness a horrible Deliverance-style anal rape, the victims triumph and get medieval on the perps! Just when drug-addled mob moll Uma Thurman is about to OD and plunge the theater into gloom, John Travolta saves her beautiful ass! Hallelujah; pass the Whoppers.
12. The Blues Brothers (1980)
"We're on a mission from God." It's hard to remember today, but there was a time when stretching Saturday Night Live skits into movies actually worked. Filmed in a simpler era when John Belushi was still alive, and Dan Aykroyd was still funny, this story of Jake and Elwood Blues serves up car chases, honky-tonk bars, and alcohol galore. A bizarrely gymnastic Belushi does backflips and Aretha Franklin, Ray Charles, and James Brown supply soulful cameos. These guys were so cool that the fact that they knew they were cool did nothing to diminish their coolness.
13. The Longest Yard (1974)
"I think you broke his f-----' neck." This film combines two Guy Film staples: prison and football. Stars Burt Reynolds (back when he was the studliest guy in the world) and Richard Kiel, who played Jaws in two James Bond movies. The film focuses so tightly on one guards-vs.-inmates football game that it's like watching sports and a movie at the same time: an eerily gratifying experience.
14. Rocky (1976)
"Yo, Adrian!" Rocky Balboa (Sly Stallone) is a regular Joe with a dream. (Maybe he's a lobe shy of being a regular Joe, but you get the idea.) And in just two hours, as he takes on slabs of beef, jogs up those famous steps in Philly, and gets ready for the Apollo Creed bout, he comes to represent the idea of willpower-conquering - all that's at the heart of every guy's hero dream. If Rocky had only won that fight, we might have been spared 500 sequels.
15. Diner (1982)
"I'll hit you so hard, I'll kill your whole family." Guys find this a feel-good film because director Barry Levinson suggests that going to a strip club, getting into fist-fights with old rivals, tricking girls into touching your unit, and requiring a prospective wife to pass a sports quiz is perfectly acceptable behavior. Bonus: Seeing Kevin Bacon and Paul Reiser before they sold us out and went sensitive.
16. Scarface (1983)
"F--k 'em all! I bury those cock-a-roaches!" As Cuban tough guy Tony Montana, Al Pacino lives one version of the American Dream: he sleeps with Michelle Pfeiffer, heads a mighty empire, and snorts more cocaine than Michael Irvin on a Super Bowl bender. But life isn't all fun and games. Tony gets caught in a U.S. government sting operation, mistakenly murders his brother-in-law, and, in one of the most intense scenes ever filmed, is forced to watch as his buddy is butchered with a chainsaw. A chick flick this ain't.
17. The Wild Bunch (1969)
Critics may argue that Sam Peckinpah's film is about society's reaction to violence, but in our book it's really about six guys on a great Mexican road trip where they ride horses, drink, whore around, shoot unfaithful girlfriends, play practical jokes with dynamite, and take one hot-as-hell sauna. Make sure to wake the kids for the last scene, in which the bandits of the title happily gun down two thirds of the Mexican population.
18. Every Bond Movie except Never Say Never Again (1962-1997)
Amazing, willing women with a license to thrill. Cool gadgets that would put the real CIA in a full ball-sweat. Evil villains with diabolical plans and the cash flow to make them happen. Never was such a formula played to such perfection. The sad exception, Never Say Never Again (featuring a geriatric Sean Connery, already playing lawyers and scientists elsewhere) does nothing to diminish this greatest Guy series of all time.
19. The Deer Hunter (1978)
"It's gonna be all right, Nickie. Shoot...shoot, Nickie." What's a guy to do when he's trapped in a Vietcong prison where the captors love to play Russian roulette? If you're DeNiro, you grab the guns, shoot the enemy, escape, and try to save your buddy (psycho-actor Christopher Walken).
20. Swingers (1996)
"You're so money and you don't even know it." A combat movie about the war between the sexes, Swingers unabashedly takes the Guy road: Even the most awkward guy looks sincere, strong, and Sinatra-cool, while nearly every chick looks selfish, unsympathetic, and cold. The painful late-night phone-call scene alone will forever make you think twice about leaving a message on a woman's answering machine. And they wonder why we don't call?
21. Reservoir Dogs (1992)
"All you can do is pray for a quick death, which you aren't going to get." A perfectly planned heist by six color-coordinated strangers gets washed out when one turns out to be a cop; a drawn-out bloodbath ensues. Whether you love Quentin Tarantino's movie for its stark reality, or loathe it for its unapologetic brutality, most guys agree they'd never want their ear cut off in the unsanitary and infection-causing method depicted here.
22. Raging Bull (1980)
"You punch like you take it up the ass." Boxing movies are tough to carry off; biographies are even tougher. But the one-two punch of Scorsese and De Niro pulls off both in a masterpiece of simmering anger and exploding violence, based on the life of real-world nose-buster Jake La Motta. Joe Pesci shows early signs of greatness as Jake's manager/brother, but it's De Niro's eternally frustrated LaMotta that rivets ya -- and won the boy a well-deserved Oscar.
23. Cool Hand Luke (1967)
"What we've got here is failure to communicate." If you ever have to do time on a cracker chain gang, this is the one you want. Sure, the warden's a sadistic bastard--but aren't they all? At least you'd be entertained by Paul Newman as the feisty con who, like Nicholson in Cuckoo's Nest, refuses to let the corrupt system break his spirit. (Bonus: With this troublemaker around to draw their fire, nobody would bother kicking the crap out of you.)
24. The Outlaw Josey Wales (1976)
Dyin' ain't much of a living for the bounty hunters hot on the trail of legendary gunslinger Josey Wales. As the ultimate outlaw, Clint Eastwood defines cool as he spits tobacco juice on his victim's foreheads, refuses to bury the dead ("buzzards gotta eat, same as worms"), and kills everyone but the producer and the key grip.
25. Apocalypse Now (1976)
Apocalypse Now is two and a half hours of depression, ennui, and nihilism, broken up by intermittent scenes of violence and death. Which doesn't mean it's not great fun. Surfing on the beach! The smell of napalm in the morning! Martin Sheen's eyes opening as he rises from the mud! Marlon Brando, bloated and incomprehensible!
26. The French Connection (1971)
Vigilante NYC police detective Popeye Doyle (Gene Hackman) beats up minorities, nearly kills dozens of bystanders during a high-speed car chase, shoots a fellow cop, and showers infrequently. But he nails a Frenchman, and in Guy Movie lingo, that absolves him of all sins.
27. The Great Escape (1963)
This mother of all escape movies has Charles Bronson, Steve McQueen, James Garner, James Coburn, and a dozen others trying to hightail it out of a German POW camp. Their dummkopf captors had put all the jailbreak artists in one place to keep an eye on them, never dreaming they'd share their expertise and escape. Those stupid Nazis!
28. Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid (1969)
The appalling scene where Paul Newman gives Katharine Ross a romantic bicycle ride with "Raindrops Keep Fallin' on My Head" playing as accompaniment is so profoundly disturbing, from a Guy Movie standpoint, that it almost sinks the film. Newman and Robert Redford have to spend the rest of the movie robbing banks, blowing up trains, jumping off cliffs, and killin' Federales just to keep their heads above water.
29. Fletch (1985)
Rectal exams and children's books aren't normally the fodder for a Guy Film. As Fletch, a crack investigative reporter with, of course, no respect for authority, Chevy Chase is funny enough to even get a laugh out of a doctor's fist probing his ass.
30. Fast Times at Ridgemont High (1982)
"All I need are some tasty waves, a cool buzz, and I'm fine." As a snapshot of teenage doldrums, Fast Times manages to capture the awkwardness of dating, the agony of mall jobs, and--best of all--a young, unbelievably nubile Phoebe Cates climbing out of the pool and unharnessing her overmatched bikini top.
31. Blade Runner (1982)
In the L.A. of the future, the streets are swarming with silicon people. (Hey, wait a minute...) They're surprisingly lifelike androids, and it's Harrison Ford's job as blade runner Rick Deckard, to shoot 'em into scrap metal. Daryl Hannah as a programmable robot? Bring on the future!
32. This is Spinal Tap (1984)
Which is the most gratifying element of this complex rockumentary? Its not-ready-for-Top-40 soundtrack? Its parade of hilarious, overly quotable one-liners ("You can't really dust for vomit.")? The umlaut over the N in the band's name? In the end, it doesn't matter: On a scale of one to 10, Spinal Tap unquestionably goes to 11.
33. Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1975)
Before all the guys in your engineering class f----d this one up by quoting it to death, Grail was a hilarious exercise in experimental absurdity. Knights who say "Ni!", murderous bunnies, insulting Frenchmen, flying cows, and the most one-sided swordfight in movie history. What more could you want...a herring?
34. Death Wish (1974)
Charles is one mean sumbitch-- even before the bad guys kill his wife and rape his daughter. This, of course, justifies a rampage that leaves a trail of corpses across this movie and several sequels.
35. Mad Max/The Road Warrior (1979, 1981)
Also from the "good guy, pressed too far" school are these two. Mel Gibson is a police officer in post-apocalyptic Australia...until biker thugs burn his partner alive and then run over his wife and kid. As always, brutal revenge is the only solution, here mostly accomplished while in the middle of stirring car chases.
36. The Dirty Dozen (1967)
Twelve talented miscreants are given a chance to work together and off some Nazis in WWII. Charles Bronson. Lee Marvin. Donald Sutherland. John Cassavetes. Ernest Borgnine. Telly Savalas. NFL Hall-of-Fame running back Jim Brown. Is it any wonder the Germans threw in the towel?
37. Taxi Driver (1976)
Cabbie Travis Bickle (Robert De Niro) has problems: a chip on his shoulder the size of Utah, the mistaken impression that a porno movie makes a great first date, and a really lousy haircut. On the plus side, though, he gets to drive a lot and hang out with amusing jailbait hookers. (Note: The spinoff TV series Taxi was much, much funnier.)
38. Rio Bravo (1959)
John Wayne is a sheriff trying to prevent a jail-break. His only help: two downtrodden deputies--a cripple (Walter Brennan) and a drunk (Dean Martin). Bonus: Angie Dickinson trying to get a rise out of the Duke.
39. Fandango (1985)
How do four Nixon-era college buds (including Kevin Costner) deal with graduation, betrothal, jobs, and Vietnam? In the true Guy spirit: They go skydiving in Mexico! Fandango teaches a key lesson: Never mix up your parachute with the pilot's dirty laundry.
40. Deliverance (1972)
"Squeal like a pig." Not since Citizen Kane ("Rosebud!") has a film been so dominated by a single screen moment. Deliverance's plot--about some river or something--screeches to a halt when a gap-toothed redneck assaults Ned Beatty's alimentary canal. Cool banjo soundtrack is small compensation.
41. National Lampoon's Vacation (1983)
Hitting the road in search of treasure is the quintessential Guy Movie plot, and Vacation is a married man's take on that perilous odyssey. Clark W. Griswold (Chevy Chase), family in tow, encounters everything from untrustworthy relatives to Christie Brinkley.
42. The Magnificent Seven (1960)
Assembling a cast of all-stars to handle a big task is a guy classic. Here, a Mexican village dogged by banditos hires protection in the form of seven superstars: Charles Bronson, Yul Brynner, and pals.
43. The Maltese Falcon (1941)
This Humphrey Bogart classic set the standard for every detective flick that followed. And no wonder: It's a wicked brew of ancient legends and modern greed, hard-nosed villains and cold-hearted heroes, and a solid gold treasure the size of your head. The ending line puts it best: "The stuff dreams are made of."
44. Blazing Saddles (1974)
"Scuse me, while I whip this out." Upon further review, this Western satire from Mel Brooks is sophomoric, dated, and racist. What a shame it's so goddamned hilarious. Among its many other gems, Blazing Saddles contains the cut-the-cheese joke to which all other film farts will forever be compared.
45. High Plains Drifter (1973)
In an unusual departure for Ole Squinty Eyes, Clint Eastwood plays a tough, mysterious loner. But unbeknownst to the townspeople, he's actually their old sheriff, bullwhipped to death in the streets like a dog. He returns as a vengeful angel of death to orchestrate the community's humiliating descent into hell.
46. Platoon (1986)
Oliver Stone recounts his own 'Nam experiences with his trademark subtlety and understatement. What makes this a classic is the raw man-vs.-man dynamics between the platoon's duelling sergeants: the tough-but-fair Elias (Willem Dafoe) and the dangerous asshole Barnes (Tom Berenger).
47. First Blood (1982)
John Rambo (Sylvester Stallone, in case you live in a box and receive no sensory input from the outside world) is an ex-Green Beret drifting around the Northwest. When a local sheriff tries to boot him out of town, Rambo holes up in the woods, setting deadly booby traps for the sheriff's merry men. Revenge!
48. Rollerball (1975)
Rollerball's the ultimate sports film: a science-fiction fantasy about a world without war, where people get their kicks from a super-violent combination of rollerderby, motocross, and a Jim Harbaugh interview. Though James Caan is the greatest Rollerblader of them all, he doesn't have the stamina to keep his Southern drawl throughout the film.
49. Lethal Weapon (1987)
Mel Gibson's a conundrum. Given a love story, he can produce some offensively sentimental chick crap (Tequila Sunrise). Hand him a loaded gun or a fast car, though, and he rarely fails to deliver: from Braveheart to Mad Max to this lunatic fringe buddy staple. Is Mel schizo? Maybe...but don't ever call him crazy.
50. Robocop (1987)
"I'll buy that for a dollar." Murphy is a cop in the Motown of the future, until he bites it in a skirmish with scumballs. But the city does a Lee Majors job on him, and creates, literally, a law-enforcement machine that blows things up with a remarkably human reckless abandon. Murphy's maudlin search for his past just adds to the brilliant black humor.
51. Thief (1981)
"I'm the last guy in the world you want to f--k with."
52. The Right Stuff (1983)
"Request permission to relieve bladder."
53. The Last Waltz (1978)
"Son, you won't make much money, but you'll get more p---y than Frank Sinatra."
54. Bottle Rocket (1996)
"I'm a risk taker. I'm growing marijuana in my parents' back yard."
55. True Romance (1993)
"If I had to f--k any man, I mean if my life depended on it, then it'd be Elvis."
56. Horse Feathers (1932)
"I married your mother because I wanted children. Imagine my disappointment when you arrived."
57. When We Were Kings (1996)
"I rassled with a gator! Tussled with a whale! I murdered a rock! Injured a brick! I'm so mean, I make medicine sick!"
58. Kelly's Heroes (1970)
"I'm drinking some wine, eating some cheese, and catching some rays."
59. Mean Streets (1973)
"You know what the Queen says? 'If I had balls, I'd be the King.'"
60. The Killer (1989)
"I always leave one bullet, either for myself or for my enemy."
61. The Last Detail (1973)
"I used to go to a whore who had a glass eye. She used to take it out and wink people off for a dollar."
62. Semi-Tough (1977)
"You're not going to marry my daughter? Then I'm trading you to Tampa Bay."
63. The Hot Rock (1972)
"Are you sure you know how to fly this thing?"
64. The Warriors (1979)
"I'm gonna shove this bat up your ass and turn you into a popsicle"
65. The Sting (1973)
"He's not as tough as he thinks."
"Neither are we."
66. Patton (1970)
"No bastard ever won a war by giving his life for his country. He won it by making the other poor dumb bastard die for his country."
67. My Breakfast with Blassie (1983)
"I use half a roll if I've got to go. I'll be damn sure my hand don't go through."
68. Night Shift (1982)
"Barney Rubble--what an actor."
69. The Seven-Ups (1973)
"You kicked his ass every day for a week. I thought you'd kick it through his nose."
70. Ocean's Eleven (1960)
"You better stop getting prettier every day, or you'll turn into a monopoly."
71. Back to School (1986)
"Maybe you can help me straighten out my Longfellow."
72. Runaway Train (1985)
"Hey, would you like a really good f--k?"
73. The Getaway (1972)
"We go together--like guns and ammunition."
74. Lawrence of Arabia (1962)
"You're a clown, Lawrence."
"We can't all be lion tamers, sir."
75. Spartacus (1960)
"Gladiators don't make friends. If we're ever matched in the arena together, I have to kill you."
76. Easy Rider (1969)
"This used to be a hell of a good country. I can't understand what's going on with it."
77. Police Story (1985)
"I could kill him now with no regrets."
78. Death Race 2000 (1975)
"You want to make love to me because I drive the monster and wear this costume."
79. Enter the Dragon (1973)
"You have offended my family, and you have offended a Shaolin temple."
80. 48 Hrs. (1982)
"I've been in prison for three years. My dick gets hard if the wind blows."
81. Bachelor Party (1984)
"Hi, come on in. Drugs to the right, hookers to the left."
82. Bad Boys (1983)
"Your fellow inmates are murderers, rapists, and mental defectives, just like yourselves."
83. Papillon (1973)
"How did you know my leprosy wasn't contagious?"
"I didn't."
84. Risky Business (1983)
"Every now and then say, 'what the f--k.' 'What the f--k' gives you freedom."
85. Breaking Away (1979)
"I sure miss playing basketball. I got depressed as hell when my athlete's foot and jock itch went away."
86. Barbarella (1968)
"A good many dramatic situations begin with screaming."
87. Planet of the Apes (1968)
"Get your hands off me, you damned dirty ape!"
88. The Searchers (1956)
"I say we do it my way--and that's an order."
"Yes, sir. But if you're wrong, don't ever give me another."
89. The Bridge on the River Kwai (1957)
"You make me sick with your heroics. There's a stench of death about you. You carry it in your pack like the plague."
90. Big Wednesday (1978)
"I don't know who could have if I didn't, but I never, and I repeat I never ever pissed in your steam iron."
91. Clerks (1994)
"My girlfriend sucked 37 dicks."
"In a row?"
92. Midnight Run (1988)
"Here come two words for you: Shut the f--k up."
93. Dumb and Dumber (1994)
"Yeah, we can be civilized...Whoa, check out the funbags on that hosehound!"
94. Abbott and Costello Meet the Mummy (1955)
"How stupid can you get?"
"How stupid do you want me to be?"
95. Highlander (1986)
"It's better to burn out than to fade away."
96. Old Yeller (1957)
"If you go looking for something good to take the place of the bad, generally you can do it."
97. Shaft (1971)
"You're really great in the sack, but you're pretty s--ty afterwards."
98. Billy Jack (1971)
"I'm going to take this right foot and I'm going to whomp you on that side of the face."
99. Porky's (1981)
"There's so much wool you could knit a sweater."
100. Sirens (1994)
"One day we're gonna tickle you."
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