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Once In A Lifetime? Or Same As It Ever Was?: McNEILL Previews the WrestleMania XXVIII PPV!
Apr 1, 2012 - 3:43:34 PM
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By Pat McNeill, PWTorch columnist
Wake the pets and call the neighbors, it's time for our exclusive WWE pay-per-view projections!
DISCLAIMER: Projections are based on what the columnist would do if he were booking this event, instead of The Cerebral C.O.O., Stephanie "Office Mom" Levesque and WWE President "Cranky" Vince McMahon. Projections are not predictions, because anything can happen in WWE, except for wrestlers who debuted after the year 2000 getting over. This preview has been sealed in a mayonnaise jar on Funk & Wagnall's porch since noon today. Some of our departing contestants will receive a supply of Borateem laundry detergent. Borateem brightens the colors, whitens the whites, and cleans it all. Remember, this is only an exhibition. This is not a competition. Please, please, no wagering. This lineup is based on the best available information as of this writing. These predictions are based on what the columnist would do if he had creative control over WWE, except for the part where he sends Vince McMahon on a round-the-world cruise.
The time for talk is over. Thank goodness. After one full year of buildup for Sunday's main event match between The Rock and John Cena, we've learned that one year is way too long to hype a WrestleMania match. It's doubly difficult when you know that The Rock isn't going to wrestle or take bumps on the road to WrestleMania. But I think we're all ready for this show. Heck, we're beyond ready.
The big problem with this year's show (and it IS a big problem) is the lack of young wrestlers in the top matches. There's nothing wrong with The Rock, Triple H, The Undertaker, Chris Jericho or even John Cena, except that all of them are closer to the end of careers than the beginning. If WWE were smart, they'd be using the legends from the past to help make stars out of the guys from the current era. It's discouraging that the big news this weekend revolves around the possible returns of Dave Batista and Brock Lesnar.
Michael Cole, Jerry Lawler and Josh Mathews will probably be announcing this show. Jim Ross should be announcing this show. On with the projections!
Primo Colon & Epico Colon (w/ Rosa Mendes) vs. Jey Uso & Jimmy Uso vs. Justin Gabriel & Tyson Kidd (WWE World Tag Team Titles): This is the preshow, which you'll be able to catch for free at WWE.com. Projection? Rosa with the distraction. Primo pins Jimmy Uso, and the tag titles stay with the New Boricuas. For now, anyway.
Kelly Kelly & Maria Menounous vs. Beth Phoenix & Eve Torres: Maria Menounous has two broken ribs, which means Kelly Kelly will have to carry the load in this match. Yikes. Projection? Beth Phoenix hits Kelly Kelly with the Glam Slam for the win. Menounous stops the postmatch attack and slaps Eve Torres to the crowd, in a victory for entertainment reporters everywhere.
Randy Orton vs. Kane: Mr. Orton seems to think this match is a bigger deal than the Smackdown title match. This storyline has been make serious than the Sheamus-Bryan storyline. I suppose it would be a bigger deal than Sheamus-Bryan if anyone still gave a rip about the feud between these two. Projection? Orton with the RKO. Let's keep this stuff simple.
Team Teddy (Booker T. Huffman, Santino Marella, Zack Ryder, Kofi Kingston, R-Truth & Great Khali w/ Hornswoggle vs. Team Johnny (David Otunga, The Miz, Dolph Ziggler, Jack Swagger, Mark Henry & Drew McIntyre w/ Vickie Guerrero): Here's a booking tip for WWE. Since this is a stadium show, you can probably find a way to wrap up the entire before Khali can finish walking to the ring. Projection? Mr. Laurinaitis, in a tip of the heat to middle-aged wrestling fans, clocks Santino with the red flagpole. David Otunga makes the cover, giving Team Johnny the win. Johnny makes Otunga the new general manager of Smackdown, and forces Teddy Long to be Otunga's assistant.
Cody Rhodes vs. Big Show (WWE Intercontinental Title): Cody Rhodes is exactly the sort of talented young wrestler WWE should be pushing to the moon. Big Show is the sort of experience main eventer WWE should be using to help the young guys get over. Time for some trickeration. Projection? Show has Cody in trouble. Cody kicks the referee and gets himself disqualified. Show knocks Cody out after the match and technically gets to leave with the victory.
Daniel Bryan vs. Sheamus (Smackdown World Title): One of the most amazing stories of the past year is that Daniel Bryan managed to impress WWE's bookers and creative stuff to the point where he became a World Champion and a main eventer. But all good things must end. Projection? Brogue kick. Celtic Cross. Pinfall. Sheamus is your new Smackdown champion, and we have a rematch set for the "Extreme Rules" pay-per-view.
C.M. Punk vs. Chris Jericho (WWE Heavyweight Title): Speaking of unlikely, C.M. Punk has been the top babyface on WWE Raw for the past eight months. Either Punk has convinced management of his dedication to his craft, or WWE owner Vince McMahon is still trying to figure out how a guy with all those freaky tattoos keeps landing hot girlfriends. Projection? Jericho uses brass nucs on the Straight Edge Superstar to get the win and the WWE title, setting up Punk-Jericho II in Chicago on April 29th.
The Undertaker vs. Triple H (Hell In A Cell - Guest Referee Shawn Michaels): Last year's match between Triple H and Undertaker was fantastic. This year's match is a veritable chop suey of gimmickry. I have no idea how prepared the Dead Man or the Game are for this one, but I'm hoping for the best. Projection? Hunter gets some near fall, then becomes frustrated with Shawn's count and knocks his good friend cold with the Pedigree. The second referee is loaded into the cage. Shawn recovers and superkicks the second referee upside the head. The mild distraction allows Undertaker to lock in the Hell's Gate, and Hunter is forced to tap out.
The Rock vs. John Cena: I wasn't sure how WWE could deliver a satisfying finish for this match. Evidently Vince McMahon wasn't sure either, which is why Brock Lesnar and Dave Batista are in South Florida. I went back to last year, remembered how little the loss to The Miz affected John Cena's popularity, and have made the appropriate adjustments. Projection? The match starts out evenly, but Cena's a full-time and Rock isn't, so Cena finally starts taking over on offense. With Rock in trouble, Brock Lesnar casually strolls down the aisle toward the ring. The referee and ringside security freak out, allowing Dave Batista to come in through the crowd and lay out Cena with the Batista Bomb. Lesnar watches this, smirks, and heads to the back. Rock hits the Rock Bottom and beats Cena. The Miami fans leave happy.
Aftermath: Lesnar shows up Monday night on Raw and announces that he is mentoring Dave Batista, and will lead The Animal to the WWE title and the UFC Heavyweight Title. Brock and Big Dave are not on a full-time schedule, but they cause Cena enough misery that he and WWE do the angle right this time, giving us Rock/Cena vs. Batista/Lesnar at SummerSlam in Los Angeles.
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“Be Who You Are and Say What You Feel Because Those Who Mind Don't Matter and Those Who Matter Don't Mind.” ~ Dr. Suess
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